Mock the Moment

Ah, the old jokes are the best. Diego Dalot, Manchester United’s sparkly new right-back, endeared himself to United fans whilst making fans of other clubs point and laugh by claiming he was joining ‘the world’s biggest club’. I’m not sure if Diego has realised, but they are no longer the biggest club in their city, let alone the world.

But anyway, Jose has spent big on a young player who will eventually either replace Antonio Valencia or leave Old Trafford as a broken young man, his confidence ripped out of his soul by Mourinho.

United are also close to confirming (or may have even done so, I haven’t been checking) Fred, the Brazilian from Shakhtar Donetsk. After all, United need another defensive mind in their midfield, that back seven isn’t going to protect itself you know.

Caglar Soyuncu of Freiburg is rather fashionable at the moment, so feel free to put the list of clubs allegedly tracking him in any order you like; Chelsea, Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal.

You’d probably be hard-pressed to tell me who Clément Lenglet plays for currently or what is release clause is or, even, which national team squad he narrowly missed out on for the World Cup. Well, the answers are Sevilla, €35m and France. All that information tells us that Manchester United (again) and Barcelona are keen.

Liverpool do know that Adam Lallana is not a good enough Plan B for when Mo Salah gets injured, alright? They are taking it very seriously, which is why their search has reached Gent in Belgium and a young man called Moses Simon. He’s Nigerian but he is not going to be in the World Cup and Liverpool reckon the smell of £10m will be enough for Gent to do business.

Salomon Rondon, understandably, believes his time at West Bromwich Albion is over and is being linked to, no he really is, Chelsea and, er, Tottenham Hotspur. These rumours are getting worse, dammit.

Joao Cancelo of Valencia is Portuguese. Therefore you get ten seconds to guess which Premier League club he is being linked to. If you said anyone other than Wolves, get out.

Tottenham have a young man in their ranks who has been called a ‘mini Messi’ by some and, incredibly, he is English. Yet, he is ready to leave Spurs as he is not getting many first-team chances. I smell a rat. If Marcus Edwards is actually that good, there is no way that the Poch isn’t picking him. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest Edwards isn’t the next Messi. Who’s with me?

Just in case Arsenal fans were worried that the signing of Stephan Lichtensteiner meant that the Arsenal DNA of signing a young player and hoping he becomes good was on the wane, Unai Emery is looking to bring in 17-year-old Yacine Adli to reassure everyone. Adli is French, of course, quick and technically gifted but, and here is a nod to a new Arsenal, he is tall! PSG are believed to be furious he is able to leave for next to nothing as they were planning on giving him a chance in about 2028.

Kevin de Bruyne has politely suggested that Yaya Toure ‘might have been misquoted’ rather than suggesting that Yaya Toure is ‘talking complete bollocks’ after the claims that Peppy G might be a racist. ‘That would be a bit strange considering all the black guys in our team’ de Bruyne accurately pointed out.

Finally, Sergio Ramos is really growing on me. Having kept his thoughts to himself over the Salah and Karius stuff since the Champions League Final, Sergio has finally spoken up and it was worth the wait.

“I am only missing Roberto Firmino saying he got a cold because a drop of my sweat landed on him,” said the guy who has lifted the Champions League trophy three seasons in a row.