funny football news premier league preview
Quickly, Premier League, quickly. That transfer window will not be open forever you know.
 
The window slams (does it actually slam?) shut on Thursday night meaning that all Premier League managers will be left with a very expensive squad at their disposal until January. Oh, the hardship of not having an extra couple of weeks to panic buy your way in or out of European contention or worse, in or out a Premier League relegation scrap.
 
It must be hard for Jose Mourinho. In fact, we know it is hard for Jose Mourinho because he will not stop going on about how hard it is for Jose Mourinho. Jose is still ‘hopeful’ that Manchester United might conclude some more transfer business by Thursday, but who really knows? Harry Maguire seems to have gone cold meaning that United might well end up with Barcelona’s Yerry Mina as their defensive reinforcement. Don’t forget to send him up for corners, Jose.
 
Chelsea, at the time of writing, have been linked to every single top-flight footballer in Europe and have signed Rob Green on a free. New gaffer Maurizio Sarri has said before that he ‘hates transfers’ and ‘prefers to work with the squad he is given‘ so it looks like he will be in his element.
 
All those Academy boys who have returned to Chelsea this summer from their various gap-years abroad could well get a chance under the Italian, which is exciting for English football. Will it actually happen though? Wait until Friday and we shall know a lot more.
 
Peppy G has committed to being ‘ruthless’ when it comes to defending Manchester City’s crown – what does that really mean, Pep? Well, the bald Spanish man will be even tougher on his players demanding even more of them. And, you just know they will respond to this far better than the lads over at Old Trafford do when the grumpy Portuguese asks for another 10%.
 
Over on Merseyside, there are two clubs full of hope. Liverpool have spent ‘the Coutinho money’ and then some fixing some obvious holes in their squad – yes, I mean you Loris – and look well equipped to take Jurgenball to the next level. Naby Keita, Fabinho, Allison and Shaqiri have all come at a cost but could well turn out to be money pretty well spent.
 
Which, of course, is the opposite to what is going on just down the road at Goodison. Richarlison for £40m? Barcelona’s reserve full-back for £20m? Everton are, yet again, proving that having a decent transfer budget doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have a clue how to spend it wisely. Sam Allardyce is chewing his cud furiously wishing he’d had a bit of that.
 
What about the other London boys? Well, West Ham have been doing their summer pantomime of looking like being a well-run club and making some theoretically astute signings, but we all know what will happen once the actual football begins.
 
The Poch is still waiting for Daniel Levy to prise open the chequebook and buy him someone, but that will only happen by lunchtime on Wednesday.
 
Unai Emery seems to be doing a good job of untangling the ball of wool created by Arsene Wenger in the last decade and his Arsenal squad look fairly promising and exciting. The additions of Lichtsteiner, that young French kid and Lucas Torreira could mean that Arsenal wrestle back the North London 4th Place trophy this season.
 
Crystal Palace have been quietly improving their squad but still haven’t found anyone foolish enough to part with good money, or bad, for Christan Benteke.
 
Watford, nothing to report there folks I am afraid. Javi Gracia still has a job until at least the third game of the season.
 
What about Newcastle United, then? Rafa Benitez is ‘very worried’ about how the club is run but has been given £9.5m to spend on a Japanese striker from Germany. That’s it Rafa, spend it wisely.
 
Bournemouth have spent £25m on a Colombian midfielder which completely sums up the world we live in and Burnley are to buy Joe Hart for £4m which shows how much his stock has dropped – plus, playing for a team in Claret last season didn’t go great for Joe, did it?
 
What about the promoted gang? Well, Sporting Wolves of Portugal FC will be delighted to field 90% of the Euro 2016 winning squad. Fulham have made some very astute signings and could well stay up but Cardiff are doomed – and not just because they have kept Neil Warnock in charge.
 
Have I missed anyone? Probably – so apologies to fans of Leicester City and anyone else that I haven’t pointed the finger of fun at.
 
It all starts on Friday where Old Trafford will get to witness their first frustrating score draw of the season when Manchester United and Leicester City get it on!