Funny Football News Premier League Jeff Stelling's Eyebrows

I know, I know. You want me to talk about all the Premier League action. Yet, I cannot even go there until we talk about the botoxed, manicured elephant in the room; Jeff Stelling. What on Earth has happened to his eyebrows? OK, we all know the answer is botox, but still. Maybe it was the surprise of his beloved Hartlepool winning away from home? Who knows, but I am sure it put Phil Thomson’s nose out of joint.

Anyway, we are actually here for the football so let’s reflect on another weekend of Premier League hilarity.

Wasn’t it nice to see someone from Portugal have a nice day out at Old Trafford for once? Nuno Santo, Ruben Neves, Joao Moutinho – the list could go on as Benfica Wolves left the home of Manchester United with a point tucked under their arm. Wolves have played both City and United now and not been beaten. That’s quite impressive when you think about it. Especially the first bit. Sir Alex was back at his second home for the first time since his illness and he must have watched aghast as it was the Portugal themed side that played the more open attacking football. Of course, social media got a little too excited by one touch by Paul Pogba that set up Fred’s first ever goal for United, but that is the world we live in.

Jose had plenty to say, as you would expect, commenting on how Wolves played as if was a ‘World Cup Final’ (like Portugal would ever make a World Cup Final) and lamenting the lack of desire apparent in his team, once again. Here’s a hot take for you, Jose. Maybe, just maybe, they don’t like playing for you?

Jurgey lad finally shuffled his pack at Anfield which he was perfectly entitled to do considering Liverpool were only playing Southampton. Mark Hughes had promised to play a game that ’caused Liverpool problems’ but he must have forgotten about that, right? The only problem Liverpool were caused was counting how many goals they could have scored in the first-half. It was great to see one of those training ground free-kick routines right off the training ground come off as Shaqiri rebounded the ball off the bar for Mo Salah to tap in. I guess that goalscoring crisis is over now? That crisis, by the way, is just one goal difference between now and this time last season. That’s not a goalscoring crisis. It’s the first time in their 126 year history that Liverpool have won their opening seven games, just in case a Liverpool fan hasn’t walked past you in the street and told you.

Someone was always going to stop Sarriball in its tracks but did anyone actually think it would be West Ham? I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch this one but when I saw the score was 0-0 I assumed the game hadn’t actually kicked off yet. Maurizio Sarri has already started managing expectations over the back-to-back matches with Liverpool, suggesting that they might need a year to be at the level of Klopp’s champions-in-waiting. If they can’t beat West Ham at the Athletics Stadium then I’d suggest they might need two. They could have even left with nothing had Yarmalenko not looked at Sakho’s miss on Saturday (more on that later) and thought, ‘oh I can do much worse than that’.

Arsenal are starting to look like they are making progress under Unai Emery since he realised that it is possible to pick Alex and Pierre-Emerick and get positive results. Everton are slumping towards another crisis as they left the Emirates on the wrong end of a two-goal-hiding. Petr Cech may not be the best with his feet but once in a while he does still show he has a bit left in the gloves.

Cardiff City were always likely to try and rough up Manchester City in Wales but doing it when they are 3-0 down and the game is already gone is just a little bit pathetic. I don’t even know the name of the player who tried to break the leg of Ilkay Gundogan because he is that insignificant, but the tackle was an absolute shocker and you know full well at least ten red cards were given across England on Saturday afternoon for far, far less.

Pep was back in the dugout and almost seemed satisfied at the final whistle, as he should be considering City strolled to a 5-0 win whilst minding their ankles. Sergio Aguero, having signed a new deal that will keep him at the club until he has broken every goalscoring record going, found the back of the net in his 300th City game.

There’s a reason Eddie Howe isn’t the manager of Burnley anymore. He doesn’t win very often at Turf Moor, something I completely overlooked in my Friday predictions. Sean Dyche wasn’t panicked despite Burnley’s start to the season and in that form he has every reason to believe they’ll be fine. But that sound you can hear is the sound of Cherries crashing to the ground as Autumn draws in.

Follow his late equaliser for Fulham and Newcastle’s 0-0 draw against Crystal Palace, Aleksandar Mitrovic has scored more goals than Newcastle United this season. It’s for reasons like this that the travelling Geordies spent 90 minutes booing Mike Ashley (or, when bored of that Wilf Zaha). Watford will have hoped to have left Craven Cottage with all three points having led since the first minute and a win would have got their title bid right back on track. Palace, however, suffered the worst miss of the season from Big Mama. Big Mama equals Big Miss.

Hey, Huddersfield. Here’s an idea. When facing Jamie Vardy, it might not be a bad idea to keep at least one man back when you have a corner. He’s rather quick, you know? Vardy set up Iheanacho and Leicester went on to beat Wagner’s men 3-1.

Glenn Murray is only lethal in the opposition area, it would appear. The only time he has thought less about what he was doing recently was when he appointed that accountant and it was his handball that led to Tottenham’s opening goal from the spot, scored by Harry Kane. Of course, it was Harry Kane, because I removed him from my Fantasy team this weekend. Amazingly, in a world where you now get black armbands and a minute’s silence when the tea lady’s cat dies, there was nothing to mark the passing away of the legendary Chas from Chas and Dave. But, in a fitting tribute, Spurs’ performance was as bad as 90% of their back catalogue. But, bad was actually enough to see a Brighton side who didn’t seem that up for taking advantage of Spurs recent plight.