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Welcome back to the easiest way I know for you to lose a lot of money betting on football.

The regular reader of this column is probably a fool, but if he or she has sussed that the easiest way to turn this into profit is to the exact opposite of what I say then they deserve all the riches that come their way.

We do not call this Terrible Tips for any other reason than the fact they are, quite often, terrible.

But hey, we shall continue.

This weekend’s Premier League action is far from attractive – we don’t count Monday as part of the weekend.

Here we go!

Brighton vs Wolves

Did I say Brighton would win at Newcastle last weekend? Hang on, I think I might have done. Actually, no. A quick check tells me I said 1-1. Did I say Wolves would lose to Watford? No, I bloody well didn’t. Did anyone? Probably not.

Brighton will probably be without the oldest man with the most goals in all of Europe’s top five leagues, Glenn Murray. Chris Hughton had this to say;

“Glenn has been super for us this season and his goal record since he’s been here says that. But we’ve got competition in the squad. When somebody misses a game it’s a really good opportunity for somebody else. That’s how it always has to be.”

Brighton haven’t really got any attacking competition and that leads me to think they might end the day goalless.

Nuno didn’t seem to have anything to say yesterday but we can only assume that now might be the time he decides to mix up his starting XI considering he had named the same team over and over again. Mind you, he knows better than me.

Brighton 0 – 1 Wolves

Fulham vs Bournemouth

Fulham = terrible defence. Bournemouth = free-flowing attacking football with a softish defence. Logic suggests there will be goals in this one, but since when did logic ever truly get involved in football? Defeat for Fulham has to mean they make a decision on whether Slav is going to be able to keep the club up. Victory for Bournemouth, which is more likely to be honest, would see them continue their quest to be a much sexier version of Burnley last season. Although I am backing a Bournemouth win, a 0-0 would not surprise me.

Fulham 1 – 3 Bournemouth

Liverpool vs Cardiff City

Funnily enough, Jurgen Klopp and Neil Warnock have not met before. It’s almost as if they mix in different circles.

Kloppo went on a charm offensive;

“I’m really looking forward to meeting him, I heard a lot. They deserve all our respect and they will get it. He looks like a character – a very, very emotional and lively person. I watched a lot of the final period of the Championship last year and it was impressive how they did it.”

Klopp will also give the captain’s armband to Virgil van Dijk more often, following a player’s vote. Wow, giving players an opinion? That wouldn’t happen in every Premier League club now, would it? You know who I am talking about.

This is the kind of game that has historically slowed down the momentum of Liverpool but I don’t think anyone can see this in any other way than a comfortable, if not bruising, Liverpool win.

Liverpool 3 – 0 Cardiff City

Southampton vs Newcastle United

Just start calling him ‘Realistic Rafa’, eh?

“Always I am realistic. We did it last year – it’s not like we did it ten years ago. We were in the bottom five [last season] and finished tenth. To be in the bottom three is always bad news, but to have the situation we had last year – that is my hope, we know we can do it. We work hard and change little things, but we are very close to the first win and the first win changes everything.”

I don’t think Mike Ashley is a little thing.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even bother sending the TV cameras to cover this one. It will be dire. Contractually, I still have to make a prediction.

Southampton 0 – 0 Newcastle United

Watford vs Huddersfield Town

OK, we are definitely in the time of the season where Watford do not win back-to-back games. That said, we are also in a period where Huddersfield do not score, meaning they are unlikely to win games of football.

Wagner had this to say;

“This group has the right attitude, desire and passion.”

Yes, but David. They don’t have goals.

All that cunning analysis tells me this will probably be a goalless draw.

Watford 0 – 0 Huddersfield Town

Leicester City vs West Ham United

This is the Saturday night game? Wow. Slim pickings. West Ham are without Yarmalenko for the rest of the season and Arnie is still struggling. That Pellegrino recovery seems to be coming to an end. As for Leicester, inconsistent is a good word for them right now but they must smell some blood in this one, surely? Either way, I won’t be watching.

Leicester City 1 – 1 West Ham United

Burnley vs Chelsea

Maurizio Sarri wasn’t happy after Thursday’s 3-1 win over BATE;

“We conceded spaces to the opponents so at the end we conceded a very stupid goal. I didn’t like it – it’s very dangerous. If we make the same mistakes against very high-level opponents, we are in trouble.”

He went on to suggest Manchester United are very high-level opponents which tells us Sarri is still getting used to life in England.

Burnley got spanked last weekend at City and probably had Sean Dyche drilling them hard on ‘playing to the whistle’. Whether they listened or not in training, they could be on the end of another kicking on Sunday.

Burnley 1 – 3 Chelsea

Crystal Palace vs Arsenal

So, Crystal Palace have not scored a competitive goal at home since May. Arsenal have now won 11 in a row across all competitions. It’s going to be a Palace win, isn’t it?

Uncle Roy had this to say, preferring not to talk about how bad his team are at the moment;

“(Emery’s) brought back that energy and quality of play that Arsene also had for many years. Certainly when he took the league by storm playing that type of football.”

Roy was a young 65 when Arsene came to England and took the league by storm playing that type of football.

Realistically, and working on the theory that Arsenal have successfully beaten average to bad teams in this 11 match run, they will extend this at Selhurst Park.

Crystal Palace 0 – 3 Arsenal

Manchester United vs Everton

Everton’s Marco Silva has urged Everton to ‘show no fear’ in the match at Old Trafford. Why on Earth would you fear going there at the moment?

“You cannot find one team in the Premier League who can win at a place like Old Trafford regularly. The word ‘regularly’ makes it sound easy to win. To be able to win one game at Old Trafford or at one of the other strong sides in the country you have to be strong as a squad. You have to have the personality and the character to not fear and to be yourselves.”

Oh Marco, do be quiet. Almost everyone has won at Old Trafford in the last couple of years – just because Everton bottle it against the top six every time, don’t make it sound like mission impossible.

Jose isn’t confident about David de Gea being there next summer, though you’d have to question why Jose thinks that might be his problem to still solve;

“I am not confident, but I am not worried. I am not more than worried. I cannot find the word in English. Let’s see what happens. Only the club, David and David’s people can answer to that. My comment is only one: everybody knows how good he is, everybody knows how important he is for Manchester United. And if Manchester United wants to be better than it is now and not worse than it is now, obviously that would be very important to keep David.”

To keep David and to get rid of you is another suggestion doing the rounds.

Manchester United 1 – 0 Everton

Tottenham Hotspur vs Manchester City

Having played at Wembley after AJ’s boxing thing ruined the pitch it is going to be fascinating to see what kind of surface awaits Spurs and City after the NFL have a go on it on Sunday.

Mind you, the pitch is the least of the worries the Poch has. He has Real Madrid not on his mind and the fact that the new stadium will definitely not be ready until 2019;

“Only we need to accept the reality and know that we cannot change that. We hope that the weather will be good and not kill the pitch and we can play in a very good condition. I am sure all the people that are involved in the pitch are going to work so hard to get it in a really good condition. That is my wish and I hope it can happen.”

Yeah, Poch knows it’s going to be a cabbage patch.

At least he batted away the Real Madrid question pretending not to speak English very well;

“My English is not so good – I don’t follow the media so much. Sometimes Jesus explains something. I’m not so much involved in social media – Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, nothing. I don’t receive information.”

Get on the phone, Florentino!

Pep’s calling it a five-horse race which is great news for United fans;

 “I don’t have doubt about that”.

This should be the game of the weekend not being played at the weekend because Spurs are a mess, but hey ho. Oh, and they will lose.

Tottenham 1 – 2 Manchester City

As ever folks, gamble wisely which means ignore everything I have just said.