SOCCER - A.Klagenfurt vs Southampton, test match KLAGENFURT,AUSTRIA,18.JUL.22 - SOCCER - ADMIRAL Bundesliga, Premier League, SK Austria Klagenfurt vs FC Southampton, test match. Image shows a ball. PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxAUTxSUIxSWE GEPAxpictures/xFlorianxMori

That noise you can hear is a clock ticking. Actually, it is the clock ticking. The clock in question is the clock counting down the days before the true, unedited Jose Mourinho implosion happens. And folks, it really will not be long now.

Jose Mourinho is totally up to his old tricks and the thing is, we can all see them, Jose. Picking Ander Herrera in a back three could not have screamed, “you see what I have to do when that idiot refuses to buy me some defenders? I have to play a midget who cannot tackle alongside those two clowns!” any louder.

Even Manchester United’s official TV channel, MUFCTV, were confused suggesting that Mourinho might be picking Nemanja Matic to play in the back line. It was all a bit of a mess really, and it wasn’t even the match itself that provided the greatest entertainment.

United were solid for the first half and the plan to get a point and move on was looking pretty well thought out (which would have made today’s column far less scathing, of course).

But then the hypnosis kicked in again. Whoever got Harry Kane believing it was November is a genius. Kane scored the opening goal, his first at Old Trafford which is another monkey off his back, and United died a quiet and painful death. I mean, Phil Jones. Surely the one thing you can actually do is try and jump? Jose himself could have made a better effort to stop Kane getting a clear header at goal.

And then the third, oh the third. The way Lucas Moura ghosted past Chris Smalling almost made me feel for Jose. He didn’t buy Smalling. He didn’t buy Jones. But, and it is worth remembering, he did buy Victor Lindelof and many, many others.

United now have as many defeats in the opening three games as Manchester City managed in all of last season. But Jose wasn’t worried about that in the post-match chat, was he? Oh no, he just wanted to remind the world that he has more Premier League titles than all the other current managers combined. Jose, my dear chap that is utterly irrelevant. That is old news. Nobody cares because it is what you are doing now that counts. Do you remember calling Arsene a “specialist in failure?” Yeah, that chicken is coming home to roost. “Respect” is earned in more ways than winning a title.

We can categorically tick off the following items on the “Jose Mourinho Getting Sacked” bingo card;

#1 Throwing players under a bus in public

#2 Moaning about not being able to buy the players he wants

#3 Putting players in weird positions to highlight the above

#4 Walking out of press conferences

#5 Being very, very grumpy

All we are waiting for to be able to scream “house” is;

#6 The buzz cut

#7 Bullying a member of staff in the press.

It’s nearly time folks, it is nearly time.

There was some other stuff going on in the football world too, you know?

Danny Rose seems to be absurdly popular on the transfer market right now, though that was before that pass-back last night. Marseille have joined PSG and Schalke in wanting to take the Tottenham left-back on loan for the season.

PSG really do fancy a bit of Tottenham and are lining up a £100m move for Christian Eriksen and I think we all know how Daniel Levy will react to that. Yes, if he can drive it up to £125m then things will happen.

Ruben Loftus-Cheek wants to stay at Chelsea but gets the feeling he might be behind Mateo Kovacic, Ross Barkley, Cesc Fabregas, David Luiz and the kitman for a spot in Maurizio Sarri’s midfield. As a result, the loan move to Monaco is looking like a better option.

Tammy Abraham would kill for such options as the only team left standing in his corner are Aston Villa and, frankly, Tammy would rather play 3rd fiddle to Alvaro and Olivier than go and play there.

Finally, did anyone see Paul Lambert on TV saying he’d never set a team up like Rafa did for Newcastle at the weekend? Yes, that’s Rafa Benitez with one Champions League medal to his name as a manager being schooled by Paul Lambert, a man sacked by Stoke last season. Life, eh?