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Dear reader, be honest with yourself. Unless you are of the Spurs persuasion, you didn’t actually expect them to beat Borussia Dortmund 3-0 in the Champions League last night. Don’t pretend you did, you are lying to both me and yourself. And when Tottenham go and win like that it makes it very difficult for me to extract any of the usual funny football news from them. The swines.

Heung-min Son was the toast of Wembley and you know it is going Tottenham’s way when even Fernando Llorente gets off the bench in a big game and scores. Eyebrows were cocked when Jan Vertonghen was once again played as a left wing-back but you know what? It worked. Vertonghen was a threat all night and set up Son’s goal. If you keep that kind of tactical jiggery-pokery up Poch, Old Trafford might still come calling.

PSG’s Julian Draxler believes that the absence of Paul Pogba in the second leg against Manchester United might be enough to see PSG through. Julian, I reckon the 2-0 lead helps a bit too.

The current Mr Chelsea, Maurizio Sarri, is concerned that his team might be a bit too mentally damaged by Sunday’s 6-0 shellacking by Man City to be brilliant against Malmo. That does sound a little bit like a manager lining up the exit excuses for when the call comes about severance pay. Or, he might just be being honest. Who knows?

Arsenal’s reserve goalkeeper, Petr Cech, has admitted he has dreamed of ending his career lifting the Europa League at the end of the season. Petr, if dreams do actually come true could you have not aimed a little higher? Like the FA Cup? Or surely the real dream is top four? Mind you, if Arsenal can go on and win the Europa League it won’t really matter when they finish 6th.

Declan Rice has made his very difficult decision. The West Ham midfielder has been tossing and turning at night wondering whether his future would be better spent trying to get into England’s midfield ahead of Jordan Henderson and Eric Dier or playing hopeful long balls up to Shane Long for Mick McCarthy’s Ireland.

You’ll be shocked to hear he backs himself ahead of Hendo and Dier.

It’s time for some transfer news.

Fernando Llorente might have scored last night but his place as back-up striker to Harry Kane when his ankles are injured is under threat with the news that Spurs are interested in signing Liverpool’s Daniel Sturridge. Let’s just hope that the ankles of Kane and Sturridge are never injured at the same time, then.

Borussia Dortmund have just the answer for last night’s defeat. They want a new right-back and, naturally, he needs to be young, English and talented. When they put all that into the database it fires back Crystal Palace’s Aaron Wan-Bissaka so that’s who they will chase.

Zinedine Zidane is being lined up to replace Sarri at Chelsea in a move the bigwigs hope might sooth Eden Hazard enough to stay. There also appears to be one condition attached; Rob Green, Gary Cahill and six other players that Zidane has no interest in even meeting let along coaching are released.