So, Deadline Day happened and it was so crap that I didn’t even do any of those fancy pieces with graphics and stuff on our sister sites for new signings and edited the P45.
Still, I felt it appropriate to wrap up what has been the dullest transfer window in existence tonight so you can all rest easy. I’ve even roped in a couple of the unlucky sods who stayed behind at Sacked Towers to give their thoughts.
There’s Still Smalling…
I could have went off on one on United’s summer but Andrew Flint was very keen to take this one on:
“Not content with being rejected by a man who arrives on international duty with a carrier bag, Ed Woodward ruthlessly hunted down a 33-year-old to compound the rejection. It is a miracle that the man has any job at all, let alone in charge of Manchester United.
Harry Maguire, Toby Alderweireld, Yerry Mina, Diego Godin… can you spot a trend there? It is demeaning to have to count keeping an agent-fuelled Pogba on board as the window highlight, but depressingly, it is.”
Has anyone told the blue side of Stanley Park Deadline Day finished at 5?
Of all clubs, Everton keep finding new players down the back of the sofa although I wouldn’t be too excited Toffees as it could just be some of the deadwood you haven’t shifted on yet.
“Boss, boss, we’ve found Andre Gomes back here! Do you want him?”
“Of course, anything else back there?”
“Yeah… hold on… it’s a… Cuco Martina. Ugh.”
Don’t Forget About Us
While Wolves and Fulham have been busy hoovering up any player formerly linked with a move to the Premier League’s top six in recent days, little old Cardiff have been stuck with being satisfied by Bobby Reid and very little else.
That all changed today when they signed Victor Camarasa.
He’s Spanish. I’m informed by reliable sources he’s decent. I remember him being decent on a FIFA Career Mode once.
They also have Harry Arter now too. Yay?
I would be sympathetic to Cardiff’s struggles but Neil Warnock is in charge so *shrugs*.
Spurs Can’t Be Bothered
Rather surprisingly, Spurs signed absolutely nobody. Seriously.
There is the very strong possibility that Daniel Levy forgot the transfer window ended today but even he still had his fun.
“Hi Brucey, can we have Jack Grealish for a fiver and Freddo?”
Still, Mauricio wasn’t that fussed during his press conference earlier today when the media just poked him with a stick and shouted, “come on, buy someone!”.
Despite all this, they still manage to not sell Danny Rose who must be regretting making those infamous comments last year. Bet he can pronounce Ben Davies now.
Fulham’s Sofa Is Deeper Than Everton’s
Speaking of behind the sofa finds, Fulham went Deadline Day crazy bringing in more foreign names you may have heard of.
Luciano Vietto and Sergio Rico have decent reps in La Liga; Anguissa helped Marseille to the Europa League final and Joe Bryan… erm… did things.
Still, Fulham have been the transfer window’s exciting watch as they seemed to be signing about every player linked to Arsenal or Liverpool in the last five years. They still tried for Dedryck Boyata though and, for that, I hope they go down.
Leicester, fresh from telling United to do one, managed to sign two centre backs just in case things did go tits up with big Harry. If you can spell Caglar Soyunclu without having to look it up like I did then you are a nerd. If Claude Puel was an FM YouTuber he’d be straight to ‘set nickname’ and calling him ‘The Keg’.
Somewhere on the South Coast, Mark Hughes realised that Shane Long doesn’t score many goals and he needed another striker. Sadly, Jordan Ayew had already taken his relegation powers to Crystal Palace so Danny Ings it is.
Sam Clucas disappointed every Premier League side who finished below Brighton last season by joining Stoke in a deal that can only be described as ‘fitting like a glove’. Go on, name me a more Stoke player than Sam Clucas.
Chelsea’s big news came yesterday when they signed the first goalkeeper they could throw money at to replace Thibaut Courtois, who joined Real Madrid today. They also got Mateo Kovacic on loan but something tells me putting their feet up and watching the entire World Cup wasn’t a good idea.
Finally, I managed to pull some words from Bob’s tired mind to round us off:
“Everton and West Ham win the prize for business that will either be deemed ‘clever’ or ‘scattergun’ in the months to come. Cardiff look like they want to challenge Derby for the worst Premier League team ever and may very well succeed. Fulham managed to sign a player with so many names that they probably thought they were going to get two blokes.”
Until January people…