Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.
Gary Alexander Neville
You know what, I’m going to lay it on the line for you: what you see is what you get with me. I might be simple, but I will work my cotton socks off for you, no matter what. I don’t have time for hifalutin hot air and flashy promises. Never have, never will. There’s a reason my father didn’t even bother getting himself a first name: why bother? That’s not to say I can’t rub shoulder with the high and mighty – kings, and the common touch and all that waffle, you know. I will never miss a day’s work, but if I did I would work double time to make it up.
St. Humble Primary School, Bury
I wasn’t thick per se, just not quite as gifted as others. Even my brother, who spent his days at the back of the class chewing on pencils with mouth wide open, actually had more talent than I did. Never one to let it get me down, I simply rolled up my sleeves and got stuck in at the deep end. I was alright at Tech and Design; for some reason drawing out detailed plans of how beautiful things worked came naturally to me, even if I could rarely make them myself.
Carpenter’s apprentice, Bury
- Grafted 12 hours a day for a black pudding
- Refused salary
- Repetition, repetition, repetition
Campaign manager, Labour Party, Manchester
- Deflected barrage of abuse on a daily basis
- Put in the office hours to allow more ‘marketable’ candidates appeal for votes
- Made myself available to support all my colleagues
- Represented my peers of all experience
Placement at Partido Popular, Valencia
- Followed my brother to learn about politics in another country
- Given senior role
- Battled with struggling resources and in-fighting within party
Political commentator, London
- Started as a temporary commentator on TV
- Was shoved centre stage after charisma shone through
- Won respect within the political sphere for working with prominent opposition members
- None, really
- Sir Alex Ferguson
- Jamie Carragher
- David Beckham
To whom it may concern,
Let’s face it – this country is on a shitmobile to purgatory. Alright, you might stand there laughing at my lack of fancy phrases, but if you listen to how I’m dissecting the performance of the incompetent fools running the show, you’ll start to listen and maybe even agree.
Why do I mention this? I think I can help you. Appreciating the simple facets of life and the value of hard work are what is going to get us out of this nightmare, and those are what I was brought up on from my first day on this earth. Believe you me, Bury does not offer the finer side of life, so you have to learn the beauty of pure hard graft.
At school I was never the most popular kid. I used to get bullied and called a teacher’s pet, but who’s laughing now? Yeah, ok, so some of my classmates now have shiny mansions in LA and are world-famous megastars, but have they won a local by-election and worked their way up to be one of the most respected bipartisan politicians of the modern age? Exactly.
My sister and brother were always more naturally gifted than me, and played sport for the school way before I did. Phil, the little busy sod, was that kid everyone hated for being so bloody gormless and yet talented at the same time. We ended up going at it together though once he decided to follow my natural authority, and we both ended up in politics together.
We were honoured to work under the greatest politician ever known: Tony Blair. OK, so he may have told a few lies, and might have been a smarmy git to the outside world, but believe you me once you were on the inside with him, it was mesmerising. We won glorious victory after glorious victory throughout the glory years in the 1990s, sweeping a newfound popularity before us that was almost unprecedented.
After a while, my brother Phil was disenchanted with his lack of centre-stage recognition, and decided to head up a charity for jilted bridesmaids in Liverpool. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, what’s soft lad done here then, but he leads them with their own kind of distinction while learning as much as he could. Believe you me, if he didn’t have a hunger for learning, he wouldn’t have got very far.
Anyway, I found my calling in life was to grant as many people as possible the honour of hearing my voice. This meant I needed a bigger soapbox, so into the media I went. After the intense jealousy towards my success from those in direct opposition, I found my niche working alongside a Conservative politician hiding in a Labour politician’s clothing. We hated each other on the campaign trail, but grew to respect each other’s achievements.
However, with the current crisis this country is facing, I have no option but to give up my studio to effect real change again. I am looking for a constituency that will take me on as an independent candidate to lead us back to normality. Those chancers out there at the moment wouldn’t know a black pudding if it sat on their face. Well I tell you this: I would.
If you think I could be your man, email me at email@example.com.
Gary Alexander Neville