SOCCER - A.Klagenfurt vs Southampton, test match KLAGENFURT,AUSTRIA,18.JUL.22 - SOCCER - ADMIRAL Bundesliga, Premier League, SK Austria Klagenfurt vs FC Southampton, test match. Image shows a ball. PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxAUTxSUIxSWE GEPAxpictures/xFlorianxMori

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

Patrice Latyr Evra

Ah ha ha, my friends, it is a great day! The sun is shining, I love life, and best of all I can share it with you! My only regret is that every day is not Monday. You English, I doesn’t understand why you is not liking the Monday – I love it! Can you tell? Oh I just have to tell you all about it. If I can spread just a little bit of joie de vivre then I can rest a happy man.


BTEC in Performing Street Art – École Superior de Nice

Some people say I am not a serious man, but I learned my trade entertaining people my way so why would I change? After moving to seven different schools as a youngster in 10 years, though, even I realised I eventually needed to settle down and make some form of education. I knew I was born to entertain people, but found that without some form of certificate it would be hard to reach my audience.

Work Experience

Backstage apprentice, Cirque Du Soleil, Monaco

  •         Learned to adapt to more off-stage roles
  •         Was tasked with supporting the more experienced performers
  •         Learning to appreciate the finer things in life

Hype man/DJ, Hacienda Nightclub, Manchester

  •         Added energy to spark a thrilling edge to the atmosphere
  •         Worked through the ranks to become the prime-time DJ
  •         Built incredible rapport with customers

Artistic Director, Teatro Regio Torino

  •         Given senior role to mentor young directors
  •         Took back seat as younger talent took centre stage
  •         Received accolades for continued success

Union leader, Port of Marseille

  •         Became more vocal in support of colleagues
  •         Lead tribunal hearings
  •         Rallied workers

Olympic Ambassador, Stratford

  •         Used sheer magnetism to justify honorary position
  •         Built relationships between countries with communication skills
  •         Led motivational seminars online

Notable Skills

  •         Energy
  •         Presentation skills
  •         Thinking outside the box
  •         Love


  •         Sir Alex Ferguson
  •         Prince Albert
  •         Karen Brady

Cover Letter

To whom it may concern,

Let me bring some sunshine into your lives, for it is me – Patrice Evra: motivational speaker, entertainer, communicator. I have recently become a freelance online personality due to unforeseen circumstances, but that hasn’t stopped me spreading joy and happiness.

I began life in unusual circumstances. My family were travellers who experienced all the wonderful things in life, even though we did not have much time to relax. I have developed a love of exploring the world, and although I have seen many different cultures and situations, I will always find the positives in life.

Every business or group of people needs a natural leader, but why not be a friend and motivator too? The way I see it is a happy family is a productive family, so my principles can apply to whatever situation you need. Don’t worry, Patrice will take care of you!

When I joined the Cirque Du Soleil in Monaco, I was part of my first truly global entertainment group. The levels of luxury were unreal – but so were my talents. Some of my colleagues spent time in the glamorous casinos, but not me: I realised that to spread the most positive vibes I needed to first work hard, and prove myself while I had the chance.

Who wants the French Riviera when you can have rain and grey clouds? Me! Why? Because it made people appreciate my incredible smile even more. In Manchester, I learned the true value of being a rock star. OK, so I wasn’t literally a rock star, but I felt like one because of the love we shared. I just loved the energy from the crowds at the Hacienda, and it was true love. To see the energy levels there now just makes me sad, even if only for a moment, but then I remember all the good times.

Eventually, it was time to move on. Every cloud has a silver lining, and I had seen my fair share of clouds in Manchester. It was time for the smooth people of Italy to experience my brand of style. At first, it made perfect sense; me, my experience, my charm, and Italy. The class! The style! The theatre I worked at was so well-established that my job was a walk in the park. In the end, though, there was no need for me.

I returned to my second home, and mixed into the melting pot of Marseille. Here I was sure that I could lend my power of personality to the colourful way of life. A city bursting with passion, art, noise, drama – what’s not to love? The way I was forced to leave was a shame, though.

I will admit my passion can boil over sometimes. I was so angry when one idiot ruined it by provoking me. It reminded me of a time when I guested at a Russian nightclub in London when I was working for the Hacienda. After an unusually poor set, I was just spinning a few tunes to unwind, when a cleaner shouted at me. I pushed him away, but of course, it was me who was punished. The lack of respect, sacre bleu…

After I was forced to leave Marseille, I would have loved to return to the Hacienda, but my style of music was a little too outdated for them. Instead, I joined a cosmopolitan team in Stratford trying to broadcast the message of peace and unity. It helped I was well-paid, of course; there’s only so much my online webinars pay me (zero). I knew what to do; we needed to stand out in a crowded PR marketplace, so I put into action more attention-grabbing campaigns to engage with the public.

It turns out I may have misunderstood my job description, and my contract wasn’t extended. But hey, I can’t be sad, as they have let me hang around anyway! Just to show my appreciation, I put all my heart and soul into my latest broadcast, where I showered love and affection onto the first thing I could find in my kitchen. It is Thanksgiving after all.

So remember: don’t worry, be happy! If you need a boost of motivation or a bit of flair and passion, I am your man. Just slide into my Instagram DMs @postmanpat69 and show me some love.


Patrice Latyr Evra