Premier League CVs

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

Mohamed Salah Ghaly

As-salamu Alaykum, your grace. I’m sorry but I have never applied for a job in my life before as I have been headhunted or passed on from each job. As a result, I am unfamiliar with the customary greetings in such situations, but please know that I humbly beseech your most sincere attention as I prostrate myself before you. I am a performer by trade, but trade comes first in my books.

Education:

7 Diploma Courses – Basel International School

I was always such a hard worker and quick learner that I begged the headmaster to let me take extra studies to further my education. I actually left my homeland to get the finest upbringing worthy of my father’s expectations and found studying diligently in the European atmosphere instantly rewarding. My obsession with becoming an artist meant I neglected primary school, and I, therefore, needed to catch up. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust the quality of my native country’s education system, but I felt that through hard work and broadening my horizons I could bring joy and respect to far more people.

Work Experience:

Street Artist, Basyoun, Egypt

  •         Travelling many hours a day to reach Cairo for greater footfall
  •         Creating art with whatever materials were available
  •         Supplementing skeleton school timetable with self-education
  •         Creating own designs

Apprentice Art Restoration Specialist, Basel, Switzerland

  •         Combined studies with exhibitions to international audiences
  •         Picked up advice for multinational staff
  •         Learnt about historical importance of local Basel museum
  •         Focussed on presentation

Sotheby’s Auction House, London

  •         Helped catalogue extensive list of valuable lots
  •         Drafted letters to wealthy foreign clients
  •         Cleaned backroom floors
  •         Displayed own artwork on rare occasions

Accademia di Belli Arti di Roma, Rome

  •         Given full license to exhibit classical style canvases
  •         Won Arte Linguna award, my first meaningful personal recognition
  •         Received offers of residency from around the world

Artistic Director, Tate Liverpool Gallery

  •         Entrusted with restoration of ancient classic artwork
  •         Spearheaded revival of new styles
  •         Held weekly conferences designed to showcase the finest emerging talent
  •         Fused avant-garde themes from around the world

Notable Skills:

  •         Speed
  •         Flair
  •         Humility
  •         Instinct
  •         Obedience

References:

  •         Jose Mourinho
  •         Ramzan Khadirov
  •         Allah

Cover Letter:

To whom it may concern,

There are those who simply cannot appreciate the finest displays of pure art. They claim that only a good, honest hard day’s work is the only course in life. I say to those people: why must we choose between those paths?

I am embarrassed at how apparently ridiculously talented I am, and as a mark of this, I chose to pay absolutely no attention to my appearance. It seems to work as I have been showered with blessings from all faiths and careers in my latest position at Tate Liverpool. When I was a young man, I grafted like many other humble followers of the Qur’an’s teachings to explore the boundaries of my potential. I had to travel far to have a slither of experience.

I am a deeply religious man and have no desire for the temptations that surround us. Many of my colleagues besmirch their skin with ink and encrust their bodies with extravagant jewellery. I respect their decisions but I could never taint myself in that way. I abhor all images of oneself as they defy the rulings of respect I have carried through my life.

Idol worship is wrong. Despite my followings of the word of Allah, I have become the focus of worship myself. I have even tried growing a ridiculously unkempt beard in an attempt to draw attention away from myself, but it only appears to have worsened the situation. The focus should always be on the art itself, never on the background music.

I am looking for I was made aware of a statue in my honour, but thankfully it looks closer to some long-forgotten pop star than me. Great art begets great art: as long as the reproduction is actually art, I agree.

My passion for entertainment and faith

I developed a passion for entertaining people during my time in Switzerland. It was a different culture entirely, but one of class that I very much enjoyed. For the first time I was able to spread my wings, even if my style was a little raw. Far more people were able to see my work, which launched me onto another level. Unfortunately, my path has led me too far away from my true purpose, and I must return.

In an attempt to reconnect with my humble roots, I met a man with a beard even more out of control than my hair this summer. Mr. Khadirov is a devout Dagestani Muslim like myself, and he bestowed all manner of honours on me. After some time in his company, I realised how honesty, frugality, and moral values were critical to earning the love and respect of one’s peers.

If you have any openings for a devout hard worker with artistic flair, please contact me at *********@gmail.com.

Regards,

Mohamed Salah Ghaly