Wolves Eric Bailly Victor Lindelof Glenn Murray

It is only the second Premier League weekend and already players, managers and teams are clamouring to get on the world-famous “Super Six” list. Well, judging by some of their actions over the weekend they are, anyway.

Shall we begin?

#1 Benfica Wolves FC

Hang on a minute, some people were suggesting that Wolves could be challenging for Europe this season! Two games, one point and a bit of a doing over against Leicester at the weekend would suggest otherwise. Even playing ten men wasn’t enough to get the first win of the season after Jamie Vardy lost control of his sense for the first time since Thailand. The plan made sense in theory – buy the Portuguese squad that won Euro 2016 but when you’re left with Matt Doherty and not Cristiano Ronaldo then it hasn’t gone right.

#2 Harry Kane

Well, that hypnosis worked, didn’t it? Someone convinced Harry that it was November and he looked back to his mid-season best right slap bang in the middle of August. Spurs have actually won both their opening matches yet nobody is getting erect at the thought of them, unlike Liverpool. I wonder why that is, exactly.

#3 Eric Bailly and Victor Lindelof

You can kind of understand why Jose Mourinho is a tad miffed at not buying at least one new central defender in the transfer window. But then, you have to remember who signed these two clowns. Ah yes, it was you, Jose. Maybe, just maybe, Mr Ed is realising that United are not getting much return on the investments made by Mourinho? No, it cannot be that surely. Eric and Victor, sounding like a 1960s comedy double act doing the Northern club scene defended like two players who had just woken up having done a comedy double act on the Northern club scene. They were a little bit embarrassing truth be told and boy, was it fun to watch.

#4 Glenn Murray

And who benefited most from the dynamic duo’s inability to defend? That’s right! The Premier League’s slowest, most immobile striker who is also one of the more deadly penalty area foxes in the world. Yeah, the world! He might well be a poor man’s Gonzalo Higuain but nobody can deny the quality of Glenn Murray’s reverse dink finish at the Amex.

#5 Kenedy

He had a curious game, did Kenedy. Not only did he go down like he had been shot – not the first Kenedy to do this, incidentally – but he managed to put in one of the worst tackles the Premier League has ever seen and take one of the worst penalties the Premier League has ever seen. The thing is, the Newcastle fans love stuff like this and he is already a hero.

#6 Chelsea and Arsenal

Defending is so dull. So why bother? Arsenal know they are pretty rubbish at it so have abandoned any thoughts of doing it whereas Chelsea know they are far more dangerous under Sarri just attacking so they too have conceded defending may not be their thing by fielding Marcos Alonso and David Luiz in the same back four – and that, dear reader, is either very brave or very stupid.