Premier League CVs

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs. Normal jobs like the ones you and I have. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

Wayne Mark Rooney (Wayne Rooney)

Profile:

I’m not good at lots of things, but I’m great at the things I love to do. I have been pulling pints since I was eleven and drinking them since I was eight. I used to be the hardest man on the block, but since then have become quite the family man. Although I appear dim, I know my worth.

Education:

Primary School Certificate of Attendance
Our Lady and St. Swithin’s primary school
(1989 – 1996)

At school, I excelled in art and PE. I drew a lovely picture of a farm for my mum when I was eight and my teacher described it as alarming. I also learned how to spell five of the months and all six days of the week.

Work Experience:

Pub Landlord Assistant
Good & Son’s Pub, Liverpool
(1996 – 2002)

  • Left school to learn the pub trade from a local pub owner named Dave, from Scotland.
  • Perfected my already incredible skills, such as getting crisp bags for patrons and mopping up spills.

Pint Puller
Good & Son’s Pub, Liverpool
(2002 – 2004)

  • Took on more responsibilities within the pub, such as pouring pints.
  • Increased the number of crisp bags eaten and handed to customers.
  • Was dubbed one of the best young pub employees in Europe with the Golden Pint award.

Operation’s Manager
The Devil’s Trident, Manchester
(2004 – 2017)

  • Continued to pull pints and collect crisp bags, but for a much larger customer base.
  • Broke the pub’s record for the number of pints pulled in a career.
  • Won numerous awards as the best pub in England, as well as being dubbed the best pub in Europe in 2008.

Consultant
Good & Son’s Pub, Liverpool
(2017 – 2018)

  • Returned to Good & Son’s Pub to help nurture younger employees at the pub.
  • While acting as a consultant I pulled the occasional pint, but mainly helped others pull theirs.
  • Reconnected with older patrons from my past employment with the pub.

Pup Landlord
Yankee Doodle’s, Washington
(2018 – Present)

  • Opened up my own pub in Washington to meet a growing demand for British culture in America.
  • Helped Yankee Doodle avoid near bankruptcy.
  • Made an instant impact on the pub’s reputation and ability to attract patrons.

Notable Skills:

  • Gritty
  • Knows some six letter words
  • Not afraid to get into a fight if necessary
  • Can down a pint in 7.4 seconds
  • Amateur boxer

References:

Cover Letter:

Hello to whoever reads this,

I won’t lie, I can come across as a bit thick. But once you get to know me you’ll see my worth. When I do something, it’s done well. For your consideration, I will summarise my career so far.

I left school at 11 to start my apprenticeship at Good & Son’s and learn the tools of the trade. During this time, I stayed out of the limelight, but soon earned the trust of the Pub Landlord, Dave Moyes.

In 2002 he promoted me to Pint Puller and I soon made a name for myself with the patrons. Every time I started my shift they applauded loudly and chanted my name. It scared me, but it shaped me into a man. I soon realized I was too talented for Good & Son’s, and Dave contacted a friend of his in Manchester.

Alex Ferguson, the famed owner of The Devil’s Trident in Manchester, hired me on in 2004. Patrons of the pub had heard whispers of my pint-pulling abilities. It wasn’t long before I lived up to the potential. I was pulling pints like nobody’s business, helping the pub win numerous awards.

During my later years at the club, I nearly left for a London pub called The Blue Russian. I eventually stayed in Manchester, breaking a record at The Devil’s Trident previously held by a pensioner named Robert.

In 2013, Alex retired and hired on Dave as his replacement. After that, the pub was never the same, and I returned home to Good & Son’s as a consultant in 2017. The patrons were excited to have me back, but soon realized I wasn’t there to pull pints. I spent the majority of my time showing younger employees how to properly pull pints when the pub was closed, failing to appear during my shifts.

After a year at Good & Son’s, I left for America. The English pub scene had jaded me and it was time to move on. I’ve recently taken over a pub in Washington called Yankee Doodle and hired a few locals to help me run it. They are awful at their job, but the competition in America is so bad that it doesn’t matter.

When I arrived, the place was close to bankruptcy, but I have turned it into one of the best in the country. My job is becoming too easy. Recently I was shortlisted for the Best Pint Puller in America award and I’ve only just arrived.

I am looking for any top quality pub that is willing to hire me on. I’m not the pint-puller I used to be, but I’ll give you a 100% effort. If you’re in the market for a legend in the pub game and are willing to pay the big bucks, please contact me at *********@gmail.com.

Cheers,
Wayne Mark Rooney