SOCCER - A.Klagenfurt vs Southampton, test match KLAGENFURT,AUSTRIA,18.JUL.22 - SOCCER - ADMIRAL Bundesliga, Premier League, SK Austria Klagenfurt vs FC Southampton, test match. Image shows a ball. PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxAUTxSUIxSWE GEPAxpictures/xFlorianxMori

Another week and yet another Match of the Day. I’m still furious about that bloody managerial heat map so we’re treading water with the future of this very series.

Someone at the Beeb has been reading and brought out the big guns. Well, a big gun and a slightly below average gun in Big Al and Wrighty.

“Get The Paper Boys, I’m Staying Another Week”

We started this week at Old Trafford where Manchester United hosted Newcastle. I’m baffled as to why they opened with two relegation-threatened sides so clearly there must have been a streaker or something.

Anyway, both these sides are not very good in their own special way. In Newcastle, they’re still stuck with a team that would just about win the Championship while, in Manchester, they’re still plugging away with Ashley Young at right back. What a sad world we live in.

Right boys, bring out the old cliche! Here it comes…

When Manchester City don’t score, they don’t win as often.


Anyway, this was the old game of three halves where Newcastle were very good for the first half as Manchester United staged a work stoppage for some unknown reason. Luckily for Mourinho, his men decided to try a little in the second half and, like a team lacking quality, Newcastle eventually crumbled. Everyone is scrambling to find comparisons to that Mark Robins goal back in 1990 but really this is just papering over the cracks. The official name for the club is now actually Manchester United Football & Wallpapering Club. You know, since they’ve spent the last five years covering the shite.

RIP Title Challenge

Next up was a trip to Watford, whose title challenge lasted five games longer than it had any right to. They were hosting Bournemouth who have a much more sustainable push for Europe going on so far this season as opposed to blowing their load early then relaxing.

Lo and behold, Watford have reverted back to not trying after September. That sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Bournemouth were excellent in this, undoubtedly helped by the fact Christian Kabasele got sent off which goes to show that if I could buy him on FM14 for £84,000 and think he was too much then, someone at Watford needs their eyes tested. He took a mean penalty though. Still, I should probably write something about Josh King for England or Callum Wilson but at this point, I simply can’t be arsed.

£100 million = 3 points

It was to Leicester next where they were hosting Everton in a game to decide who could spend the most money to finish eighth. Both sides have been very hit and miss this season which goes to show you that, like the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders, it doesn’t matter how much you spend if you spend it on shite.

Oh look, it only cost Everton about £100 million of above average Premier League footballer to win that game. In fairness, Sigurdsson’s goal was very nice but it still doesn’t excuse the fact Swansea got £52 million for him. Or that they went down having wasted most of it on Sam Clucas. Leicester did hee haw and lost Captain Morgan, who is looking more and more – how do I put this – rotund with each passing suspension.


Wembley next as the ever-increasing delay on Spurs’ new stadium increases. At this point, I swear they’ve just put up a building site to try and scare teams into thinking they might be a big club. It’s like they’re six and their mum wouldn’t let them have a custard cream so they pack up their teddy and a picture of Glenn Hoddle and threaten to run away from home. I think this analogy has gone on long enough.

Oh, Cardiff were here too.

Yawn. Cardiff are not very good and Spurs are just a bit meh now. Joe Ralls got sick of being part of a s**t team so booted Lucas into next week to avoid having to relive this nightmare for another few games.

*insert funny title*

We took a trip to Zaha’s house next as Wilf and pals hosted the entirety of Jorge Mendes’ clientele. This is a game of absolutely no interest to me. Both sides mean absolutely nothing to me in the grand scheme of things.

Very nice. Wolves win. Moving on.

Sean Dyche: Minister for Agriculture

It was time to get agricultural next as Burnley hosted Huddersfield in a game that made Johan Cruyff turn in his grave and Tony Pulis get a little too excited in the trouser department.

Cross. Header. Long ball. Big tackle. Long ball. Cross. Header. Goal. Cross. Header. Goal.

Lost. Will. To. Live. Watching. This.

The Death of Similies

We finished in Brighton on Friday night (cheeky *winks*) where Chris Hughton’s men were hosting West Ham. The Hammers were no longer a punchline having pulled out some decent results including beating Man United. Brighton had played well but only got one win but that was against Man Uni… I don’t think beating them is really an achievement anymore, is it?

Ah, West Ham, why do you do this to yourselves? Glenn Murray is as subtle as a brick yet he was able to sneak around like someone who is quite sneaky.

Yeah, I think that’s enough for me for one week.