Heroes and Zeros

All good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, so must all bad things. In this little corner of the world, we’re pretty big on schadenfreude. We’ll laugh our asses off when someone makes a fool of themselves, even when other, more empathetic people would stare daggers at us. We don’t care. And so, when people say stuff like “They’re such an institution in the Premier League, it’s so sad watching them like this,” we say “Shut up, you killjoy and let me laugh at Manchester United some more before they come to their senses and sack Mourinho”.

Heroes

West Ham United: In the United derby, the club from London overcame the marketing vehicle from Manchester in a pulsating encounter. A good manager improves players, makes them more confident in their abilities and gives the team the belief to take on anyone. Therefore, all credit must go to Jose Mourinho for making Mark Noble look like Luka Modric and West Ham look like Real Madrid.

Maurizio Sarri and Jurgen Klopp: Two managers who couldn’t park a bus if they were sat on the driver’s seat, holding a paper with clear, with step-by-step instructions to do so.

Daniel Sturridge: Good goal, but can he stay out of the physio room long enough to do that on a weekly basis?

Eden Hazard: If people don’t want to feel utterly stupid, maybe they should stop comparing their marquee signings with Eden Hazard every year. It makes him look even better.

Manchester City: Hasn’t anyone told them that their Premier League trophy was handed to Liverpool a few weeks ago?

Harry Kane: Back in the hunt for the trophy that says “Scored most goals without winning anything of note”.

Arsenal: Level on points with Spurs, despite never looking like a contender at any point of the season so far. We’re just waiting for them to climb higher than fourth, to see if the wheels fall off.

Gylfi Sigurdsson: Gylfi was guilty of a missed penalty that could have proven costly, if Fulham had brought their shooting boots along. Thankfully for Everton, the guilty party turned it into a Gylfi party with two good goals. Yes, I know, that was horrible writing; Gylfi as charged.

Burnley: After scaling new heights last season, Burnley came to realise they get nauseous at high altitudes. Getting knocked out of the Europa League brought them back to earth, where they’re looking much more comfortable.

Wolves: Knocking on the doors of the top six, getting ready to huff and puff and blow the house down.

Zeros

Manchester United: “If you dance with the devil, then you haven’t got a clue, for you think you’ll change the devil, but the devil changes you.” ― J.M. Smith. Presumably, the JM doesn’t stand for Jose Mourinho. Speaking of…

Jose Mourinho: Is there anything left to say, except goodbye and good riddance?

Victor Lindelof: Must have felt Mourinho’s demeanour towards him become colder than the Swedish winter.

Xerdan Shaqiri: Came on for Mohamed Salah, and proceeded to miss a slew of chances that the Egyptian would have scored from.

Newcastle United: There was a point when Rafa Benitez could have blamed Mike Ashley for global warming and Newcastle supporters would have lapped it up. Not anymore. Even a master manipulator like Benitez will have a hard time pinning this one on the owner.

Mad Mark’s Southampton: They tried boring Wolves into waving the white flag and surrendering a point, but it didn’t work out. Nothing ever does for poor, blameless Mark.

Huddersfield: Dead last, rock bottom, cannon fodder. There are just some of the terms you could use to describe Huddersfield. Or, you could go with the time-tested and very popular “they’re f*cked”.

Cardiff City: And joining Huddersfield on their journey to the Championship, is another team bent over the table. At this moment, Vincent Tan’s trousers are riding higher than anything else related to Cardiff City.

Watford and Fulham: No one cares.