Premier League CVs

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs. Normal jobs like the ones you and I have. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

Wilfried Zaha (Dazet Wilfried Armel Zaha)

Profile:

I’m an incredibly gifted athlete with tons of confidence. I’m happy to work in a team, but usually take centre stage. Talent runs through my veins and I’m a born winner. But that’s not all. I don’t just strive for victory… I do it with style and finesse.

Education:

High school Diploma, with Athletic Excellence
Selsdon High School, Selsdon
(2006 – 2010)

I completed my high school education at Selsdon High School, but my real passion was aquatics. I would always visit the swimming bars during breaks and fell in love with the water. Soon I became tired of just swimming and wanted more. That’s when our gym coach introduced me to diving. After my first dive, I was hooked.

Work Experience:

Semi-Professional Diver
Eagles Diving Club, London
(2010 – 2013)

  • Competed in various diving competitions throughout the country.
  • Practiced my craft with older, more experienced divers.

Backup Diver
United Diving, Manchester
(2013 – 2015)

  • Sat on the sidelines in case other divers weren’t available.
  • Kept coach’s daughter company during the competitions.
  • Participated in two diving shows.
  • Continued to compete with Eagles Diving Club and Bluebirds Diving during my time at United Diving.

Professional Diver
Eagles Diving Club, London
(2015 – Present)

  • Returned as the star competitor at Eagles Diving.
  • Won various medals during competitions.
  • Tried and perfected various tricks and dives.

Notable Skills:

  • Amazing twists and turns.
  • Precise accuracy during competition.
  • Flashy.
  • Splashy.

References:

  • Ian Holloway.
  • Sam Allardyce.
  • Frank de Boer.
  • Roy Hodgson.

Cover Letter:

To whom it may concern,

Even before signing my first contract with Eagles Diving Club I was preparing for my career. Ever since school, I knew my calling was to the water. As soon as I started competing, I couldn’t stop diving.

Once I finished high school, I signed a contract with Eagles Diving, the club I trained with during my time at Selsdon. But, while I had signed a professional contract, I wasn’t quite ready to take on the world of professional diving. I had to be patient.

Eventually, diving coach Ian made me a regular diver for the Eagles. I won numerous accolades during my time with them, and in my last season, I helped raise the club’s profile to the highest divisional ranking in England.

My success at Eagles Diving caught the attention of some of the best diving associations in the country. One of the best diving clubs in England, United Diving, signed me halfway through my last season with the Eagles. They let me finish out my remaining competitions with the team before flying out to their swimming bars in Manchester.

I was greeted by diving coach Dave who was accompanied by his daughter, Lauren. Dave explained how he didn’t need me to start competing right away, but to be ready when he needed me. I spent a lot of time with Lauren as I waited, but my chance never came. It could be a false rumour, but someone told me my affliction with Lauren sparked his distrust in me.

Dave wasn’t going to let me dive, so he sent me to Wales of all places. There too I struggled, but so did United Diving. They eventually sacked Dave and some European named Lou replaced him after the Global Competition of Diving Nations. I promptly requested a return to the Eagles Diving Club. Good thing too, as United Diving is a nightmare now.

My second stint with the Eagles was phenomenal. It made me wonder why Dave never gave me a chance to compete in the first place. He was a bit thick, to be honest. Not long into my successful spell with the Eagles, I was accused of cheating by bystanders watching from the stands. The judges had no access to a video review system but they still gave me a penalty. In diving, that’s a very bad thing. All I can do is try and win for my team, and I can only do that by diving and doing some flips and tricks.

I now realise how my natural talent is, yet again, wasted at Eagles Diving. I am looking for higher competition so that my career can flourish. If you are looking for a talented athlete with a passion for diving, please contact me at *********@gmail.com.

Best,
Dazet Wilfried Armel Zaha.