LASESARRE, SPAIN - AUGUST 5: Puma Orbita, the official match ball of LaLiga in detail prior the pre-season friendly match between Athletic Club and Real Sociedad on August 5, 2022 at Lasesarre Stadium in Barakaldo, Spain. Noxthirdxpartyxsales PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxJPN 195228971

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

Maurizio Sarri

I may look like a sweet old man, but don’t be fooled. I can be a ruthless maniac if you get on my bad side. As a three pack a day smoker, I am not afraid of blowing smoke up people’s asses if they’re defying me. If you’re looking for a natural leader of crime syndication, look no further than me.


Streets of Italy
1990 – 2012

For 22 years I travelled around my home country learning the skills needed to be one of Europe’s best mobsters. It was my destiny, and so I spent many years learning in the lower levels of organised crime. I stayed in the shadows, but people soon came to remember the name Maurizio Sarri.

Work Experience:

Mob Boss
The Blues, Empoli
(2012 – 2015)

  • My first position within the notorious European gang, The Blues.
  • Helped bring respect to the Empoli family in the Italian organised crime industry.

The Blues, Napoli
(2015 – 2018)

  • Took control of one of The Blues’ most renowned family organisations in Napoli.
  • Helped the family challenge for the title of the most dangerous gang in Italy.

The Don
The Blues, London
(2018 – Present)

  • In the process of reorganizing the district owned by The Blues in London, England.

Notable Skills:

  • Blind Rage
  • Stubbornness
  • Submissive
  • Meticulous


Cover Letter:

To whom it may concern,

Ever since I was a young boy in Italy I knew I wanted to be part of the mob. On my seventh birthday, my mother brought a cake into the room to celebrate. I lit a cigarette with the cake’s candle and told her she was no longer needed. Then, I set out to start my career, becoming a banker at age eight. I continued my career, knowing that my ability to manage complex financial transactions would become useful as my pathway to organised crime progressed.

In my early 30s, I eventually got my foot in the door of a crime family based out of Stia, Italy. For the next 22 years, I learned the tools of the trade, travelling around Italy working for the bottom feeders of Italy’s organised crime syndicate. I did well, but I was a relatively small fish in the giant ocean of the Italian mob.

After I learned all I could from these families, I joined a well known Italian gang called The Blues. The Empoli district of The Blues organisation was fairly weak and therefore a fitting location for my first leadership position within the syndicate. It was a daunting task, but I soon began to make waves. Within a few years, the operations I oversee were well known within the community of criminal heavyweights in Italy.

My success in Empoli piqued the interest of head of The Blues, and they subsequently put me in charge of one of their most notorious districts in Napoli. When I took over, this section of the syndicate was failing to compete with Italian gangs based out of Turin, Milan and Rome.

After I took control of the family we were finally making an impact at the highest level of Italy’s organised crime community. My impact was incredible, and once again it led to a promotion.

The boss told me I would be working for The Blues, but not in Italy. I was being shipped over to London, England. It was a huge sign of the family’s faith in me. I have been with the London group for just under a year, and things have not gone well. My henchmen have turned their back on me, insisting my operations must be adapted to work in the cutthroat environment of English crime. They are all lost. Who are they to tell me what works and what doesn’t work?

I thought it was all under control until one of my Spanish bodyguards refused me when I insisted he leave my presence. He refused and I lost it. But I did not panic. I assumed the rest of my henchmen would talk some sense into him, and worst case scenario, I would bring it up with The Blues’ upper management. There are always consequences. But none of them have assisted me. I am still in charge, but I feel the boss will come for my head soon. Between you and me, my time is limited.

I need to get out, and quick. If you’re looking for a ruthless Italian who won’t back down, I’m your guy. To discuss my candidacy with your gang, please feel free to contact me at

Maurizio Sarri