Premier League CVs

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

Marcelo Bielsa

Life is a game. I work hard to make that game easy. It is like a puzzle that I must solve. I don’t stop until the job is done. No rules are off limits in the game of international espionage, but if there were, I’d break them if it stood between me and success.

Education

Undergraduate in Information Extraction
Academia de Espionage Internacional
1990 – 1998

I attended a secret school that trained me in the art of espionage and battle. I was taught to outwit my opponents at all costs. My training was delivered at various academies across South America. I finished my training with a practical work placement in Spain, finishing at the top of my class and impressing some of the world’s top intelligence agencies.

Work experience

International Espionage Agent
Freelance, Global
(1998 – 2011)

  • Helped the Argentine Government win a war against the United States of America in a battle for intelligence.
  • Worked with the Chilean Government to assist with various international intelligence missions.

Hitman for Hire
Freelance, Europe
(2011 – 2017)

  • Travelled around Europe as a hitman for hire, basing myself out of Bilbao, Marseille, and Lille.

Head of Intelligence Collection
MI5 Northern Division, Leeds
(2018 – Present)

  • Leading MI5’s international intelligence initiatives from its Northen Division.
  • Manage and dispatch a team of spies.

Notable Skills

  • Crazy
  • Mental
  • Tactical
  • Inconspicuous

References

Cover letter

To whom it may concern,

I have been watching you for some time now and have come to a realisation. You are in need of leadership. You are in need of perfection. I am perfection. My studies of you have shown me your weaknesses. These weaknesses can be turned into strengths if you hire me.

My experiences have seen me travel around South America and the European Union. I was schooled in South America, stunning the world with my comprehensive knowledge of international espionage. I completed a case study for a Mexican government agency before heading to Spain for my field test. Unfortunately, my time in Spain during 1998 was unsuccessful, but I was soon approached with my first big challenge.

In late 1998, the Argentinian Government hired me on as an agent. My crazy methods intrigued them and I didn’t disappoint. I helped them beat the United States in 2004 in a battle of witts. But alas, I was a double agent the whole time, working with the Chilean Government. My time in Chile was filled with both negatives and positives, but ultimately, I always knew government work was never right for me.

I returned to Europe as a Hitman for Hire. Working undercover, I coerced the enemy into providing me with the exact information I needed to destroy them. I loved it. Every minute of it filled me with adrenalin. They call me crazy, but I’m the only sane one in this world.

Now I’m working for MI5 in the North of England. Sadly my ‘insane’ tactics are considered unethical by some of the snowflakes living in this damp country. There is an agent working undercover at a pie store who has blown my cover to the British media. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I’m not sure I want to stay in this country.

If you’re looking for a mastermind agent who will do anything for the desired results, look no further than Marcelo Bielsa. Please contact me at [email protected] to set up a rendezvous. This message will self destruct in 10… 9… 8…

Regards,
Marcelo Bielsa.