Premier League CVs

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs. Normal jobs like the ones you and I have. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

Jose Mario dos Santos Mourinho Felix

Profile:

My record. It speaks for itself. If you don’t know who I am already, it is you who must prove himself worthy. I build fortresses and tackle giants. I am a serial winner and have seen success in all my past endeavours. Of course, I can appear difficult to work with. Do you know why? Because I let no man stand in my way on my path to greatness. Get on the Jose train, or get lost.

Education:

Apprenticeship with Bob Robson, Military Tactician
(1992 – 2002)

In 1992, I began my apprenticeship with an Englishman named Bob Robson, who taught me everything I needed to know about military tactics. I followed the man until he returned to England, and I began to follow another man named Lou in Barcelona. In 2000, I began my practicum training at two Portuguese militaries in the cities of Benfica and Leiria.

Work Experience:

JOB
Dragon’s Defence, Porto
(2002 – 2004)

  • Achieved instant success.
  • Built Dragon’s Defence into the best defence contractor in Europe.

JOB
Lion Shields, London
(2004 – 2007 / 2013  – 2015)

  • Toppled long-standing competition of Lion Shields.
  • Turned the average defence company into the best in the country.

JOB
International Inc., Milan
(2008 – 2010)

  • Similar to my time in Portugal, I turned an average company in the best in Europe.

JOB
Royal Family of Spain, Madrid
(2010 – 2013)

  • Let’s not talk about it.

JOB
Trident Tested, Manchester
(2016 – 2018)

  • Won t̶w̶o̶ three awards with Trident Tested, one which recognised us as the best tier two defence company in Europe.

Notable Skills:

  • Tactical Genius
  • Tough Love
  • Public Relations
  • Media Connections

References:

Cover Letter:

To whom it may concern,

Let me get right to the point. This industry is easy. Nobody knows the intricacies and tactics of military defence like Jose Mourinho. Nobody has achieved what I have achieved in my career. I am the Special One.

After my practicum work experience in Benfica and Leiria, I was headhunted by a recruiter who worked for Dragon’s Defence, a military subcontractor in Portugal. This would become the first of many appointments at military subcontracting companies.

There is no surprise that the world’s best military subcontractors beckoned me to run their operations, as I helped lead Dragon’s Defence to become the best subcontractor in Europe. My defensive tactics could not be bested by even the most heavily armed and offensive armies in the continent.

A Russian owned company based in London soon hired me on to lead their operations. Before my arrival they were average. But I’m special. Then they became special too. But the Russian owner was a moron, and we clashed, so I left.

Then, International Inc., a long-standing Italian subcontractor hired me. They had been struggling to meet the standards of their past. That soon changed. I turned them into Europes best. I wish I could have stayed longer, but when the Royal Family of Spain requests your services, you do not turn them down.

Unfortunately, my time in Madrid was not a success. Some bald Catalonian was able to outwit my incredible defensive setups. It wasn’t my fault though. He had an army of super soldiers led by an Argentine assassin. There was nothing I could do.

I couldn’t stay, so left to my home in London. After a short stint of success, I once again fell out with the Russian. We went our separate ways until Trident Tested called. Trident Tested were historically the best subcontractor in the country’s history but were struggling after their Scottish commander had left.

Before I came, my old mentor, Lou was working there. Unfortunately, there is only room for one commander, and Eddy, their CEO, knew what he wanted. He wanted the best. And I’m the best. In my first year in charge, I raised their profile, winning the award of best tier two military subcontractor in Europe. Sadly, success was not sustainable while working for Eddy. I ask for a tank, he gives me a bike with a slingshot. I ask for a steel wall, he gives me a wicket fence.

I’m now freed of my responsibilities at Trident Test and am looking for work. Let’s face it, I’m the best in the world. The media may tell you I’m old news, but I’ll always be special. If you want my services, please contact me at Special1@gmail.com.

Best,
Jose Mourinho.