Premier League CVs

Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.

James Phillip Milner

I am a straight-talking, honest, salt-of-the-earth grafter. What you see is what you get. My main interests are relaxing, sitting down, standing up again, and sometimes looking out of the window. I also enjoy a good crossword puzzle, although I prefer not be disturbed. I will take the lead in any situation you put me in, even if other people shout louder.

Education:

11 GCSEs – Lawnswood School, Leeds

After putting in a shift from a young age, I realised that I could earn recognition by pure hard work. I had always enjoyed school, especially as mine was named after two of my favourite things; lawns and wood. I couldn’t understand my peers not being fascinated in studying, and after I outperformed them I decided to leave school early to start an apprenticeship instead of splashing money on a useless higher education career.

Work Experience:

Junior Assistant Apprentice, West Yorkshire Police, Leeds

  •         Organised lunch money schemes at schools
  •         Printed out leaflets to hand around the community
  •         Carried water for the Chief Constable
  •         Organised filing system

Sales Assistant, Greggs, Newcastle

  •         Greeted customers with charm
  •         Related to local customers
  •         Assisted senior members of staff to become more efficient
  •         Interior design advice (carpets, wallpaper, paint)

Abu Dhabi Global Market Company, Manchester Office

  •         Worked with a wide range of nationalities
  •         Researched press releases for more international employees to present
  •         Helped stage international conferences
  •         Attempted to establish a community outreach program

Accountant, Mediterranean Shipping Company, Liverpool

  •         Achieved best quarterly figures ahead of more reputable employees
  •         Consistent performance
  •         Covered colleagues in all departments within the company

Notable Skills:

  •         Versatility
  •         Punctuality
  •         Common sense
  •         Knowledge of paper and ink types
  •         Organisation

References:

  •         Alan Shearer
  •         David O’Leary
  •         Jurgen Klopp

Cover Letter:

To whom it may concern,

I have always had a strong work ethic since I was a small child. In kindergarten, the other flashy kids grabbed all the attention with their glitter-glue macaroni pictures, but I knew already that organising the toys into alphabetical order was far more rewarding. It was never the gold star from my teacher that made me smile, but the grunt of acknowledgement from my father.

I made it my goal to excel in the more important aspects of academic study. At Lawnswood School, I did more homework and completed coursework more promptly than anyone had ever done before. I was never asked to be the face of the school for some reason; looking in the mirror, I could never understand why.

In fact, my headmaster selected me to represent the school at the annual Schools in the Community program run by the local police station where I had to knock on every door on my street and check senior citizens were ok. I decided to knock on every door in the whole city instead and earned an apprenticeship. My chief constable was a kindly Irishman who fostered an amazing atmosphere of youthful vigour, but his superintendent wasn’t nearly as sensible or competent. I still have nightmares about cleaning out the fish tank in his office.

Despite this setback, I always felt like my passion for grafting would pay off, and I got my break to join a Greggs. My love of wholesome foods sold it to me, even if some saw it as a sideways step. Unfortunately, after a few years, a fraudulent corporation forced a hostile takeover. I was fond of my colleagues, especially my team leader who had a fascinating insight into the benefits of creosote and paint drying.

Greater recognition

Although I always realised that industry awards didn’t matter, I got tired of the lack of recognition and decided to join a lovely international brand in Abu Dhabi Global Market Company. I truly believed that I could make a difference after the flattery they showered me with, and it seemed to be going so well. Such was my dedication, that I didn’t notice the changing nature of the company though. Eventually, I realised I needed more fun and appreciation in my life.

I may not move as fast as the social media types of today, but I am still an integral part of my group at Mediterranean Shipping Company. In addition, I find the appreciation of history in line with my old-fashioned values, even if it does get a little obsessive at times. I have been told I am approaching my retirement age, by numbers are just numbers to me.

If you need a tech-savvy poster boy for the modern age, I am not for you. If rugged dependability is what you’re after, however, then please contact me at *********@gmail.com.

Regards,

James Phillip Milner