Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.
Life is sometimes not fair my friends. But that’s ok as long as you have man’s best friend alongside you. Yes, some may come and go, but whenever I am sad I just run over to my cocker spaniel Dele and give him a special hug. He’s my special little guy, just so adorable with his enthusiasm. My bearded collie Harry sometimes gets a little bit jealous, but a quick throw of a manky old tennis ball and he’s bounding around happy as Larry. I’m not sure he understands what’s going on half the time, but he keeps galloping along so I leave him to it. My point is, surround yourself with loyal dogs and you’ll never be left lonely again.
Seoul Military Academy
Like all dutiful South Koreans, I would never dream of doing everything within my power to avoid fulfilling my national duty and signing up. Unfortunately, some absolutely critical international dog shows took precedence, but we’ll come on to that later. What gave me my grounding to become a world-class dog trainer was the absolute discipline drilled into us in the barracks. Ah, fond memories of General Admiral Supreme Leader Park…
Veterinary assistant, Reiperbahn Hunderettungszentrum, Hamburg
- Took all the dogs for walks every day
- Went out searching day and night for strays
- Studied movements and habits of German hounds
Chief Groomer, Bayer Hundeschule, Leverkusen
- Provided missing shiny touches to up-and-coming trained dogs
- Fed the dogs so they could perform better in competitions
- Learned how to maintain control of their movements in regimented order
Lead Performance Director, Discover Dogs, London
- Planned post-show routines
- Covered countless overtime hours to ensure smooth running of the show
- Designed training programs with minimal resources
- Attention to detail
- General Admiral Supreme Leader Ji-sung Park
- Kim Jong-un
- Mauricio Pochettino
To whom it may concern,
When you switch on the news nowadays and see the endless disheartening news about war, famine, sexual abuse, corruption and stadium delays, life can get you down. I would never dream of ignoring the severity of the horrors of the modern world, but I humbly offer my services to bring companionship and joy to your lives.
You see, as a young boy, I would kick a soft ball around the street of Chuncheon thinking it was innocent child’s play. For some reason, I was able to get incredible grip on the ball that my dad gave me, and I was bending ridiculous free kicks and long-range efforts in from crazy angles. I assumed it was simply natural that with my charming good looks and natural ability.
Little did I realise that the suspiciously furry surface was giving me an unfair advantage over my friends, and from that moment on I was sickened by the horrible moral vacuum that is football. Instead, I knew my calling in life was to ensure that dogs were looked after, and not butchered senselessly.
I joined the Seoul Military Academy and thrived in the regimented atmosphere. The prestige of pristine uniforms, the thrilling three-hour long drills, the canine regiment… What was there not to like? It didn’t matter if you were not a maverick; hard work got you there.
Somehow I needed an outlet to be creative, though. Everyone knows the holy grail of dog shows is Crufts, but I knew it would be a lot more complicated than just tipping up in Birmingham and slotting right in, so I thought I’d learn my trade on the German circuit. Sure, it may not be as globally popular, but it offered me a unique education.
The problem was, my superiors in the Korean army were getting jealous of my international success. I knew that I didn’t bring eternal canine glory to the Republic I’d have to serve my time in the Ji-sung Park Canine Bootcamp, so I thought what better way to do this than win the Ilsan Regional Dog Show? I could also stick it to that chubby lad next door who always threatened to send fireworks into our back garden; then again, everyone in the dog show world knows he has no emotional connection to his loyal poodles, just archaic obedience.
It was close! In fairness, considering we came up against the mighty powerhouses of Kyrgyzstan and Vietnam, few would have expected much success, but we just about managed to control our dogs to glory.
Now though, I am looking for new opportunities. I feel I have earned the right to be the chief routine master, rather than just being the assistant who does all the work.
If you love dogs as much as I do and have a flair for their wellbeing, then please help me in my search for funds to establish my own dog training school by heading to me fundraiser page: gofundme.com/IvegotSeoul now.