LASESARRE, SPAIN - AUGUST 5: Puma Orbita, the official match ball of LaLiga in detail prior the pre-season friendly match between Athletic Club and Real Sociedad on August 5, 2022 at Lasesarre Stadium in Barakaldo, Spain. Noxthirdxpartyxsales PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxJPN 195228971

Did you know there was boxing this weekend? No? Nobody mentioned? Not even Gary Lineker on Match of the Day? Really?

Anyway, he’s joined by Jermaine Jenas and Danny Murphy this week who were the two peasants in the office who were told they couldn’t do the cool thing and had to work this weekend.

We opened this week with Cardiff, amazingly, who are still trying to figure out how to play football again. Poor Neil Warnock is still keeping that smile on his face which makes him look like that old man who tries to be nice but who will stab your football with a pitchfork if it goes within a mile of his begonias. City are rich.

This game was the perfect example of what happens when you see someone who plays FIFA religiously take on someone who thought FIFA was a type of cheese. Poor Cardiff just sort of floated about all over the place, getting taken apart with embarrassing ease. When Bruno Ecuele Manga assisted Riyad Mahrez for the fifth is when the Premier League should have ran on the pitch, ended the game and just relegated them. Useless.

It was to Burnley next who have finally Brexited the Europa League. They were hosting Bournemouth who are very nice. We all like Bournemouth. They’re nice. Did I mention they’re nice? Burnley less so.

That was the perfect Burnley performance. A clean sheet? Check! Stout defensive work? Check. Direct football? Check. A couple of shitebag goals? You betcha! Bournemouth were far too nice and let Burnley be mean to them. That’s about it really.

To Anfield next where the Liverpool winning machine continues to roll on. Fresh off winning Strictly Come Dancing, Liverpool went on to win a bunch of eSports tournaments as well as all of the opening Champions League group games. They hosted Southampton who are just pottering along doing little of note.

And the Saints go pottering on. Easy win for Liverpool. Not much to report really. Keep moving.

Down the road to Brighton next where they were hosting Spurs. Brighton are properly ensconced in mid-table now with nothing really to note other than Glenn Murray still scoring goals with a bald patch the size of the moon. Spurs are bottling everything which gives me great joy because I can’t stand the cu…

Damn it Spurs. They were so close to bottling that one too but just about got away with it. Anthony Knockaert is about as sharp in front of goal as a butter knife. Spurs will be happy they got all three points considering it’s been the same group of players together since about 1864. They were given a hand by Glenn Murray’s forearm smash in his own box. Ball in the air? Forearm it into next week son!

Leicester were the team in focus next as they hosted the charity case that is Huddersfield. Both sides are struggling just now with Huddersfield about as blunt as Anthony Knockaert in front of goal. Also doesn’t help they’re leakier than the Titanic at the back. Leicester are just a jumped up Everton and West Ham.

Yeah, relegate Huddersfield with Cardiff now, please.

To Old Trafford next where those strugglers Manchester United were hosting the Europe-chasing Wolves. Poor Jose’s been trying to prove he knows what he’s doing with his expensively assembled mish-mash of nonsense but, as my dad always said, thrashing Young Boys doesn’t make you a big man or any good.

Wolves will be disappointed with that. They should have won at a struggling side like United. All joking aside, United were not very good. Seems like years of papering over the cracks is finally catching up to them with the fact that Chris Smalling keeps getting a game and Marouane Fellaini is the most consistent performer. The state of your team.

It’s my favourite team Fulham who are still awful and ARE GOING DOWN if they don’t learn to defend. I don’t care how much you spent on Andre Schürrle, you then spent most of your summer chasing Dedryck bloody Boyata, you muppets. They hosted Watford, whose title challenge is probably over now.

I like being proven right and Fulham never, ever let me down. 97 seconds. Ninety f**king seven. You know what you can do in 97 seconds? Many things that take 97 seconds. To be fair to them, they did only concede the once but that was mostly down to the fact they’ve never sprung for a striker that is semi-competent in front of goal. I mean, Andre Gray? Aye, nae bor.

We finished this week with Wilfried Zaha and the ten men in his backpack hosting Newcastle. This game sucked. The only thing of note was when some mad rocket threw a bottle at one of the backpack men.