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So apparently this was a historical Match of the Day because it landed on February 29th. It was also the day an entire club’s fanbase embarrassed themselves but we’ll get to that.

This week Gary was joined by Big Al and a man who appears to have misplaced a personality, Jermaine Jenas.

Ugh, do we have to do this? I mean, we could skip this whole thing. [Editor: just write the recap – editor’s response: no]. Damn.

We start this week with the United Nations who were hosting the unbeatable Liverpool. It’s been good being a Liverpool fan this season, mostly because we are stupidly good at football. Fortunately for other teams, we still have Dejan Lovren. The UN, meanwhile, have been OK under Nigel Pearson which is surprising considering it’s Nigel Pearson.

It was bound to happen, wasn’t it? Liverpool were crap. Credit to the UN though, they were very good. Poor Lovren got bullied by Brummie fat boy Troy Deeney to the point it looked he was playing Arsenal. In truth, the worst part of this whole victory was mid-table Arsenal fans bragging about retweets. I suppose this will be one of their few victories this season.

It was to the Generic Large Stadium next where West Ham, who are THRIVING under Moyesy, took on the now-interesting Southampton. When I say the Hammers are thriving, I am naturally kidding. They haven’t won since New Year and Hammers fans are unhappy. What with, I have no idea but apparently their title challenge should be happening. Southampton do as Southampton do.

It only took West Ham about £65 million-odd of striking talent to get a win but three points are three points. They were actually solid across the board which made even the consistently miserable West Ham fans somewhat content. Poor Ralph was very unhappy with his team, calling their defending a ‘joke’. Sadly, there were no laughs to be had if you’re a Saint. I did enjoy the Makita advertising hoardings though, a logo which looks like the old sponsors from the 90s.

It was Bournemouth next where the pretty much-relegated Cherries were hosting Chelsea. Both sides got pumped within the last week but Chelsea’s was at least against a side with players you’d describe as ‘world-class’. Nobody is going to look at Matej Vydra’s destruction of Bournemouth last week and call him that.

That was fun. Maybe Bournemouth aren’t dead just yet. Their first goal was a great header from Lerma through Willy, who you could say was a bit… ahem… limp. Yes, that is the level of humour here – erection jokes. Still, Chelsea were not incredible but could thank Marcos Alonso for speeding in with a brace.

It was to Brighton next where I am still none the wiser as to whether or not they are any good. They hosted their bitter rivals Crystal Palace, who are still as exciting as you can imagine. So, not exciting in the slightest. Is there much else to say?

So, are Brighton good? I think so… I honestly don’t know. They had chances and kept the ball well but still managed to lose. Palace did Palace things but I particularly enjoyed Ezequiel Schelotto’s shithousery by kicking the ball at Zaha as he was having a moan at the Brighton fans.

It’s Newcastle vs Burnley… nope nope nope. I’m not sitting through this 0-0. Let’s move on.

We finish with a trip back in time to Friday night where Norwich hosted Leicester. Both sides have been crap since Christmas with Norwich pretty much guaranteed to finish bottom at this rate. Leicester’s brief flirt with the top four is looking ropier by the day but will probably be helped by Spurs and United being crap.

Maybe Norwich aren’t dead either. Jamal Lewis hit a pretty decent strike to win it for Delia’s boys. Apparently it was 15 years since her “let’s be ‘avin yooooouuuuu” and she got them. Leicester were crap again while Ondrej Duda sounds like what your granny calls the TV remote.

So, what did we learn this time? Well, Arsenal only care about retweets; Liverpool were bound to lose; Brighton are still up for debate and somebody pass the Duda so I can change the channel.