LASESARRE, SPAIN - AUGUST 5: Puma Orbita, the official match ball of LaLiga in detail prior the pre-season friendly match between Athletic Club and Real Sociedad on August 5, 2022 at Lasesarre Stadium in Barakaldo, Spain. Noxthirdxpartyxsales PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxJPN 195228971

Another week, another fun-filled, action-packed week of Pick on the Pundits. Absolutely nothing can convince me otherwise. Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING.

This week Gary was joined by baby Al and celebrity pundit Ian Wright. They looked absolutely delighted to be there, as they should, because there will be action.

We started at Anfield where the indomitable Liverpool are actually not playing that well. Three defeats in four wasn’t exactly an ideal spell but, let’s be honest, who’s going to stop them winning the league now. They hosted Bournemouth who aren’t quite dead yet but it’s looking ropier by the week. At least they were good at nodding to their opponents though. Cheers, coronavirus.

Hey, maybe Liverpool aren’t so bad after all? I mean, sure, it’s only Bournemouth but it’s a damn sight better than losing to the UN last week. It did help that Bournemouth gifted Liverpool goals too but we won’t discuss that. In fairness to Eddie Howe, his little notepad will be full of positives because they were unlucky to lose. Then again, RoboMilner did what RoboMilner does and threw himself at the ball to keep them from equalising.

It was to the Emirates next where we actually get to see Arsenal. That’s right, Arsenal played on a Saturday. Last time we saw Arsenal on this, Arsene Wenger was in charge; Christopher Wreh was up front and Nicolas Anelka was a young up-and-comer. They were hosting West Ham who are, what lazy pundits would call, resurgent. And by resurgent, we of course mean they won a game.

The game is really stretched, like someone’s taken a rolling pin to it.” That’s it, call off the season. We’ve got our winner for biggest reach for a metaphor. In truth, that was about as interesting as this game got despite a big VAR decision. Of course, Moyesy didn’t think we needed VAR for that despite the fact everyone was onside.

It was to Southampton next, where the Saints were keeping up their record of not ending episodes of Match of the Day. Long gone are the days of Claude Puel. Sure, they may be worse than they were under Puel but at least they’re exciting, right Saints? They hosted Newcastle who are about as dull as BBC Parliament.

It screams a lot about the state of this Saturday action that this game was third on the running order. It was amazing Newcastle actually managed to score a goal considering they did everything to shoot themselves in the foot. Still, Twitter king Allan Saint-Maximan won it for them, making him now the second-most popular Al in the North-East.

F**k me, we’re off to Palace where they’re hosting the UN. This really says a lot about the absolute state of this Saturday. Still, Roy Hodgson has already confirmed he isn’t scared of the coronavirus but, considering he’s 3000 years old, he would stay out of the dugout if Boris and his boys said so. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got.

I mean this game happened. Jordan Ayew does love scoring for distinctly dull clubs. Wilf Zaha showed his entire game too – beating three or four then doing absolutely hee-haw with it. Honestly, somebody give Palace £8 billion for him. As for the UN, they look like they’re going down.

It’s LadBible favourites Sheffield United next (#respect) where they host Norwich. United have been pondering along trying to get European football. There’s been less love for the Blades because they’ve not done anything wild or exciting but they’re still grand. As for Norwich, they’re trying. Give them that.

As expected, United were pretty solid, Norwich were pretty Championship. I don’t know what more I can do with this material.

There’s two more games? Oh, for Christ’s sake. What’s next? Burnley vs Spurs? At least that’ll be a laugh. Burnley are still doing some very Burnley things. Long balls, big tackles, only employing men named Kevin, Chris, or James. Spurs meanwhile lost at home to Norwich and are slowly going insane. Things have got so bleak that even calm surfer dude Eric Dier is trying to scrap his own fans.

Wow, even Spurs can’t give me any good material. This was an entirely forgettable draw with the only punchline being that, once again, Spurs were/are f**king wank. Burnley are fine. They’re fine. What more can I really say?

Right, we’ve reached the final game. Wolves hosted Brighton… right nope. That’s the one. I refuse to watch this drab 0-0. Not even my endless questions about Brighton can fix this.

I’ll see you all next week when hopefully some decent football shows up.