92nd Minute News

Peter Crouch picks alternative careers for Premier League stars

Last week, the famous Peter Crouch dragged his tower-like physique down to the Maple Court Academy in Stoke, England. Working with the Premier League Primary Stars, Crouch surprised the Academy students by running a PE lesson.

Crouch started the lesson as any good PE teacher would, by demonstrating the proper high jumping technique. In his first attempt, Big Pete cleared 8 feet in one step. After watching the children struggle to beat his record, he boastfully celebrated whilst performing ‘the robot’ dance in front of them and screaming, “Get in there, ya beauty!” At the end of the day, the students insisted he show them some soccer skills, but he refused, saying he had very little in the locker to show them.

Near the end of the event, the 42-time England international talked about his experience with one of GSITM’s field reporters.

“They all smelled a bit, and one weed on the floor,” said an apprehensive Crouch. “I’m just happy to get out of there. Thank god Stoke are getting relegated otherwise I’d be doing this kind of stuff next season as well.”

While speaking with a representative of the Premier League, Crouch answered a series of question about his teammates. According to him, Lee Grant is the smartest, Charlie Adam is the funniest and Ryan Shawcross would make the best headteacher.

After the event, our GSITM reporter caught up with Peter to ask him a few follow-up questions over a pint. During the conversation, we asked Crouchy about other English Premier League stars and what their non-footballing jobs would be. Here’s what he had to say.

Jamie Vardy – Events promotor in Magaluf (or someplace like that)

“He’d be the bloke handing out pamphlets and offering free drinks down in Magaluf, or someplace like that. He’s got that grimy look about him, doesn’t he? He’d only go over to the attractive girls and try and pick them up. I’d be right in there with him to be fair.”

Leighton Baines – Beatles cover band member

“Have you seen the mop on his head? Seriously, the lad is living in the 60s. I’ve never heard him sing or play the guitar, but he certainly pulled off that ‘John Lennon’ look for a while, didn’t he? He’s sorted it out now, but man, it was awful.”

Wayne Rooney – Pub manager

“He’s a nice guy and all, but Wayne was never going to be an investment banker, was he? His calling was football and I’m glad he made it as big as he did. England and Manchester United top scorer, England and Manchester United captain, playing alongside Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard; he did it all. At the end of the day, if he didn’t play football, I think Wazza would have made a cracking pub manager. I’ve seen him pull a pint and it’s just as nice as that goal he scored against Arsenal in 2002.”

Joe Allen – Bloke who dresses up as a wizard at Harry Potter premiers

“He looks the part and I’ve seen him perform some magic on the field too. If those Harry Potter movies were still coming out, wee Joe would have been one of the lads running around the cinema with a cloak and wand. Not sure if there is a career in that for Joe, but I’m sure he could have made some money out of it.”

Dejan Lovren – Anything he wants

“He could do whatever he wants because, to be honest with you, I still don’t understand how he made it as a professional footballer in the first place. If he pulled that off, the possibilities are limitless.”

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Well, there you have it. According to Peter Crouch, the legend himself, the Premier League is filled with plenty of untapped potential. We never got the chance to ask Peter what he would have been if it weren’t for football, but we already know the answer to that one, don’t we?

Please note the above quotes are made up and created for satirical purposes.