A well-known media personnel from North Norfolk had agreed to correspond on Premier League games for Ronnie Dog Media. In fear that it may tarnish his ‘prestigious’ name in the world of British media, he wishes to remain unnamed. Here are his ramblings.

I’d would usually begin this section by discussing Norwich. Usually. But for [email protected] hell, I couldn’t be arsed. Bournemouth? BOURNEMOUTH? I mean, seriously, even I could beat Bournemouth and I’m not even a football team (I would probably end up drugging their pre-match tea or something like that (I would bribe the security and cafeteria staff with a whopping £20 bill, EACH)).

But alas, I shan’t be discussing the club I love so dearly this week. Instead, I’ll be talking about the big boys. Big boys with even bigger balls. Footballs that is. That are? Their balls are footballs. Not to say that they don’t… forget it.

The first match noteworthy enough for commentary was Tottenham Hotspur versus Watford. I know what you’re thinking. Tottenham probably won because they’re good. NO! They lost, because they’re sh*t. Mauricio Pochettinho is dropping points all over the town. What have you been eating Mauricio? Butter? Butter on a stick? That’s bad for your cholesterol Mauricio! You should take better care of yourself, mate!

On Saturday I watch a brilliant matchup between Manchester United and Liverpool Football Club. Wow, WHAT a game. I mean, I haven’t watched much of Liverpool in recent weeks, but what’s all the fuss? Last week I was ready to hop on over to the bandwagon, but thank god I didn’t. They’re not good. Manchester United, now that’s what I call a team. Eleven men behind the ball at all times. If David De Gea’s net was China, his teammates were the Great Wall. And the Liverpool players were the Mongols. And the ball was a flaming spear, but instead of chucking the spear directly over the wall, the Mongols tossed it back and forth between each other for a while.

Then sh*t hit the fan. Marcus Rashford scored a screamer from inside the box. But what did the Liverpool players do? Did they applaud his efforts like any good sportsman would do? No, they did not. Instead, they harassed the referee with accusations of foul play, mere minutes before. The referee indicated to the Liverpool players that he was going to box them out if they continued their accusations by miming a large box shape. Now, usually I don’t condone violence, but sometimes it’s good for people to gently nudge people in the right direction with an empty threat. The game finished 1-1 after some more things happened.

Next week Norwich must face the gargantuan that is Manchester United. I pray that God saves us (and of course the Queen).