A well-known media personnel from North Norfolk had agreed to correspond on Premier League games for Ronnie Dog Media. In fear that it may tarnish his ‘prestigious’ name in the world of British media, he wishes to remain unnamed. Here are his ramblings.

V-A-R? More like V-A-ARSE! When Stuart Attwell, the smug little weasel, pointed at the penalty spot I nearly vomited. Luckily I had the foresight to hold my breath as the VAR decision was being made. I’ve always found it is very difficult to regurgitate your food when not breathing. The VAR decision took a very long time to make as well, but I have trained my body to hold my breath for inhuman periods of time. Only stopping for a short gasp of air eight times, I suffered through the agony. David Blaine would have been proud, maybe even inspired.

But, alas, the penalty kick was awarded. From the video replay, I saw minimal contact on Daniel James. Perhaps the video assistant referee saw something that I didn’t? Maybe the Norwich defender Ben Godfrey spat on James as he was falling. What if the defender viciously attacked the forward with a verbal battering so vile that the referee had no choice but to intervene. We shan’t ever know.

Rashford lined up to take the penalty, then WHAM! No, not the 1980s band staring George Michael. WHAM! The story of a legend, staring Timothy Krul. The goalkeeper saved it. He caught it too. Has that ever happened before in the history of sport!? I doubt it greatly.

But mere minutes later Marcus Rashford scored anyway. What a prat.

Just as I thought our luck couldn’t get any worse, the video assistant referee decided to chime in for a little bit of controversy yet again.

“Hey, Attwell, fancy giving United another penalty?” said the VAR, I presume.

“Sure, why not, wouldn’t that be really, really fair,” replied Attwell, most definitely.

And there it was, the second penalty call of the day. Some might even say that the first penalty to be awarded was the penultimate penalty (That’s a great play on words, by the way). Anthony Martial stepped up to take it. I was confused. Why would they switch takers?

“Gaaaaah!” I screamed. My head was pounding from my lack of comprehension. Why was there no consistency in who was taking the penalty shots? I looked at my television screen, knowing that the Norwich goalkeeper was likely having similar thoughts. But it didn’t matter. Krul is such a pro, that he saved another one. What a lad. But like Rashford, big bad Tony went on to score as well.

Norwich had the last laugh, however, when Onel Hernández slotted the ball past David De Gea.

“You’re no Timmy Krul!” I shouted at the television.

So while Norwich were royally screwed by the proverbial scam artist known as VAR, they came up against the odds to score the last goal. Who’s laughing now, Attwell? Who’s laughing now?