A well-known media personnel from North Norfolk had agreed to correspond on Premier League games for Ronnie Dog Media. In fear that it may tarnish his ‘prestigious’ name in the world of British media, he wishes to remain unnamed. Here are his ramblings.

“BANG – get in there you beauty!” Those were the words of I, North Norfolk’s favourite media personnel, when Teemu Pukki smashed the ball past Adrián (last name unknown) to score Norwich’s first goal of the 2019/20 Premier League season.

“Have some of that, ya Scouse bastards!” I continued, getting a little carried away at this point. But could any sane football fan blame me for such jubilation? For, at its core, football is for the men. Norwich are back in the big leagues, and they’re here to play dirty.

But despite suffering a devastating loss in their first outing, there may be salvation for Norwich next week as The Canaries’ (I’ve always thought that was an odd name for a football team) travel northwards, to Newcastle. Last weekend The Magpies (another type of bird) played Arsenal, The Gunners (now THAT’S a name).

Legendary manager Steve Bruce lost one-nil to Unai Emery’s boys in red and white (although on this particular occasion they played in yellow). Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (pick one name) lifted the ball over Newcastle keep (keeper in slang) Martin Dúbravka (I’ve always thought Martin was an odd name for a Slovak) to score the only goal of the game.

The biggest game of the weekend was Manchester United vs Chelsea. Solskjaer vs Lampard. Norway vs England. North vs South. Chelsea, also known as The Blues (what are you, a style of music? (it’s worth noting that Chelsea are also known at the Pensioners (I don’t feel as bad about being called the Canaries’ anymore)), came out ready to play, hitting the post early on with a thumping effort from Abraham. No, not Abraham the father of Ishmael and Issac, or even Abraham Lincoln the father of America, but instead Tammy Abraham, the father of hope for the Chelsea faithful.

But England starlet Marcus Rashford scored a penalty in the 18th minute to put the host up. There’s nothing more refreshing than seeing a young English player score a goal. It gives you hope. Not that I was any less excited when French player, Martial, scored. I think that all young foreign players are just great. You may find that hard to believe, but guys, come on, it’s 2019. Grow a pair and get with the times.

The other side of Manchester wasn’t home, but instead gyrating across the pitches of Stratford against West Ham United Football Club. Manuel Pelligrini, who was once previously employed by Manchester’s boys in baby blue, received an absolute thrashing at the hands of a certain Joseph Guardiola. The Citizens ceased three points by viciously eviscerating their volatile adversaries (try saying that three times fast (I bet you can’t (I can, but with just under three decades of on-air media experience, you wouldn’t be surprised)).

The rest of the games were relatively meaningless. Crystal Palace vs Everton? Boring! Bournemouth vs Sheffield? Give me a break. The only other game with some resemblance of substance was Tottenham Hotspur vs Aston Villa. And let’s be real, nobody really cared about that either.