Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs like you and me. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.
It is with the greatest respect that I thank you for taking the time to even consider my humble offering. It is most unbecoming of anyone to suggest that they might be worthy of anything, yet alone personal attention. If it isn’t too much trouble for you, I would consider it the utmost honour if you were to consider my modest talents and proposal.
Felicitations de jury Baccalaureat – Collège Sévigné
For some reason, my teachers kept telling me my dedication was exceptional, but all I did was deal with the tasks in front of me. They gave me one exam, I did three. They gave me three exams, I did ten. They gave me ten exams, I wrote the papers myself, completed them, marked them all, hand-delivered them to the examination board, checked them again myself, carried them back to college, handed them out to every student and then got my teacher a glass of water. It was only my job, no?
Kitchen cleaner, Cafe du Travailleur, Boulogne
- Kept well out of the limelight
- Prepared, cleaned, and organised alphabetically all equipment
- Scrubbed the floors and utensils every day
Community outreach officer, Medecins Sans Frontieres, Caen
- Lead by example
- Promoted work supporting malnourished children
- Brokered a deal to work with the top level of French companies
Food bank assistant manager, Leicester
- Cooked, packaged and handed out all meals to keep people fed
- Completed all research and distributed the organised information quickly
- Crunched the numbers
Brand ambassador, Chelsea pensioners veterans fund
- Promoted the cause of wealthy, privileged colleagues
- Maintained a respectable distance from attention
- Continued helping others
- A great smile
- Hard worker
To whom it may concern,
I would like to explain why I might be worthy of consideration for a position at your charity. I would never presume to be the best candidate, but can only hope that my endless drive will persuade you.
I was always the best student, even though I was bullied for being small at school. I said, OK, it is their opinion, but I will not let it get me down. When did fighting solve anything? I pride myself in never having lost my temper, although I did once raise my eyebrow when my teacher didn’t let me tidy the classroom.
I don’t think I was an outstanding student, even if my record marks earned me a Felicitations de jury Baccalaureat. I mean I did what I was told, learned what I was taught and put it into practice. It always seemed strange that my flashy classmates were more interested in the shiny stickers and prize-giving awards. I was appointed head boy at college, but it just didn’t suit me.
My parents wanted me to pursue a scholarship to one of the finest universities in France. After all, I had the school record to back it up. With my beaming smile I reminded them of what they had told me before; that no matter what career I pursued, all that mattered was that I worked hard and was happy, even if that was scrubbing greasy kitchens for little money. They agreed, so that’s what I did, although I don’t think they expected me to take it so literally.
Even I had to admit my talents were a little wasted though. Although I had no medical knowledge, I knew I could help more people. OK, so I was breaking records for partnerships signed up. Technically, yes, I was ‘quite good’, but it was all just normal work for me.
One day an interesting English man came by and complimented me on my work. Up until then, not many people had noticed me as my work was less obvious. At first, I trusted him; he promised virtually no media attention and a simple job that would feed more people. Mais non! Within a year my world had been turned upside down. This magical place was an enchanted castle with a wise old man as my boss. I never really understood what he said – usually something about bells – but somehow he made sense.
Suddenly the whole world knew who I was. I had become more important than my work, and I was flooded with offers. Headhunters were queuing up to have me head up their global operations. Nobody could have believed that our foodbank in Leicester would feed the entire city for a lifetime, but we did it. Now the challenge was set to build that success on an even bigger scale.
I was happy with my kindly old father figure, but I realised the world had changed. I would no longer be just N’Golo the helper, so why not use my profile to help those truly in need? The efforts I had made were nothing compared to the incredible sacrifices of veterans, so I agreed. Down I went to London, and at first, it was ideal. Once again we were rewarded as the most efficient charity in the country.
That wasn’t enough though. I always felt like the CEO, a little bit of a recluse, like me, really cared. Some of his senior staff did not though, and they argued with the managing director. Long story short, my new boss is different, and I no longer feel part of the team. I am not a promoter who actively attacks marketing opportunities.
I crave the quiet life once again. If you have a small community in need of some help, please let me join you. I will even pay to come there. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.