Imagine a world without football? I know, it’s scary. But what’s even scarier is that the Premier League stars we know and love would all be searching for jobs. Normal jobs like the ones you and I have. No scouts, youth academies or agents, just a good ole’ CV. In this column, we provide insight into what those job applications would actually look like. This is ‘Premier League CVs’.
Marouane Fellaini-Bakkioui
Profile:
I get the job done. I don’t want to lead you astray. It won’t always be pretty. But it will be done. Physical intimidation is easy for me, and if it helps me achieve my goal, I will use it to my advantage. Elbows, head, shin? These are not body parts. These are weapons.
Education:
Street Knowledge
The Streets of Brussels
(1994 – 2006)
I went to school, of course, but that is not where I learned. School attempted to teach me the arts and intricacies of life’s challenges. But in the streets, I learned how to deal with life’s challenges in another way. English and Maths are helpful, sure, but with my street knowledge, I can outsmart and outmuscle anyone I come up against.
Work Experience:
Club Bouncer
The Red Belgians, Liege
(2006 – 2008)
- Learned from gang members about the ways of the street
- Became a man
- Turned men into boys
Body Guard
The Blue Rooks, Liverpool
(2008 – 2013)
- Made useful connections and made a name for myself in the British gang community
- Struck fear into rival gang members with physical intimidation
Debt Collector
The Manchester Devils, Manchester
(2013 – Present)
- Take names
- Kick ass
Notable Skills:
- Intimidation
- Sharp right elbow
- Can reach high places
- Sharp left elbow
- Takes care of things… no questions asked
References:
- Dave Moyes
- Joe Mourinho
- Robby Martinez
Cover Letter:
To whom it may concern,
Right from the streets of Brussels, I joined The Red Belgians, a local gang. They owned a club in Liege, Brussels and made me a bouncer. I took the names of anyone entered the club, and ‘took care’ of people trying to forcefully enter.
I wanted to explore the world’s most amazing places, so decided to join a foreign gang. Sadly, I ended up in Merseyside. I joined a gang called The Blue Rooks and became very close with gang leader Dave Moyes, working as his personal bodyguard.
Dave had been with the Rooks for eleven years before leaving in 2013. I respected the man, so I joined him when he switched allegiances to the Manchester Devils. I soon became aware of Dave’s ineptitude. Outside of the Rook’s home territory, he was lost. He soon moved on, but I had lost all respect for him, so I stayed.
Now I work for gang leader Joe Mourinho as a debt collector. When people don’t pay up, I take care of business. Don’t get me wrong, he tries other options before resorting to me. As he says, he tries to do things the pretty way. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the resources to do it nicely.
That’s when he sends me in at the last minute to get the results he is looking for. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t act irrationally. I always use my head to get these results. With that being said, Joe isn’t shy of controversy himself.
But now I am looking for other options. I have given everything for the Manchester Reds, but to be honest, I’m under appreciated. I constantly deliver for this group, but the gang doesn’t think they need me. Honestly, maybe they realise they need me but just wish they didn’t.
So sod it, I’m off. I’m the best at what I do, simple as that. If you want results and don’t care how it gets done, please contact me at *********@gmail.com.
Best,
Marouane Fellaini-Bakkioui
