SOCCER - A.Klagenfurt vs Southampton, test match KLAGENFURT,AUSTRIA,18.JUL.22 - SOCCER - ADMIRAL Bundesliga, Premier League, SK Austria Klagenfurt vs FC Southampton, test match. Image shows a ball. PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxAUTxSUIxSWE GEPAxpictures/xFlorianxMori

Another week, another Match of the Day. This week Gary is joined by Angry Man Keown and Wee Al Danny Murphy.

Not like anything exciting happened this week though…

West Ham

We opened this week with a trip to the Generic Stadium where West Ham were hosting those hopeless strugglers Manchester United. The Hammers have decided to begin playing football and actually look like a semi-competent side, promptly sucking the fun out of watching them. Fortunately, Jose’s boys are so s**t they’ve taken up that mantle. Amazingly, that’s even more fun.

I really love Jose. Honestly. He’s the best. Imagine being so miserable you suck all the confidence from every single player you come across at a club. He truly is the Special One.

On a very serious note, there is absolutely no way anyone connected with Manchester United can’t see this and say Jose is done. Not even the worst of Moyes or van Gaal was as miserable as this. Nobody tried. Nobody cared. As a Liverpool fan, I’m embarrassed by that s**tshow and I HATE United. I wish I was kidding. Watch West Ham’s third goal. Arnautovic is played in and both McTominay and Smalling just cannot be arsed to try and even get close to chasing back. You can literally see Chris Smalling think, “aw, f**k this, it’s not worth the hassle”. IT IS A JOKE.

Finally, shout out to Jose’s interview where he praised the scout who found Issa Diop. You know, the young centre-back who had played first-team football for about five years in France and had been linked with every top club imaginable. Took a real f**king genius to see he might be a decent player, eh?


Our next stop was a trip to Stamford Bridge where Chelsea were hosting Liverpool. Both sides were near the top and unbeaten which means that only a Manchester United crisis would make it second on the billing.


Still, this was a battle for the purists. Attacking football, David Luiz and the two most expensive keepers in the world who were signed because both sides’ hands were forced in different ways. Hold on, I wasn’t meant to say that out loud.

This was some game. I watched this live and, as a Liverpool fan who grew up in the early years of Abramovich’s ownership in London, I will begrudgingly admit that Chelsea were good. Scrap that, they are f**king superb on the ball. That goal was so simple yet so beautiful and it was all Mateo Kovacic.


Anyway, Eden Hazard basically bullied Liverpool by standing still while every touch Liverpool had near the Chelsea goal ended up at Craven Cottage. Except that Daniel Sturridge one. Ooft. Get me pumped you beautiful man.



It’s my pals Everton and Fulham!

Sike, they’re not my pals because I’ve been critical of both. In fact, I’ve been very critical of Fulham’s defending and I will maintain they’re going down until they mathematically can’t. Everton look dead certs to finish between 7th and 10th. Which is fine.

Well, that was unexpected. Fulham concede three goals and can’t be arsed tracking back to defend. It’s almost like they’re prepping to re-sign Smalling in January. Everton were fine. They look dead certs to fin… I’ve used this line before, haven’t I?


It was the Etihad next where City strolled to victory against Brighton.

[Ed: Eion, you have to write an intro paragraph to each game up to a point. It’s part of your contract]

What do you mean? I think the outcome is fairly obvious. No, don’t cut me off. Please, Mr. Edito…

[Ed: Look at that. City did win]


The next stop was the Emirates where Arsenal were hosting Watford. Arsenal are now no longer fun since they got rid of Wenger and Watford are no fun since they blew their title chances.

I mean, Arsenal won. It was fine. Stuff happened. I’ll be honest, who really is going to remember this game? Honestly? Come on! Bog standard stuff even though Watford had a couple chances.


I don’t know if I can go on…


It was to Huddersfield next where Spurs were the visito…

Nope, I can’t do it. They did a pissing heatmap for Unai Emery. Can every producer on this week’s episode enter a bin and never leave it.

If this is the standard of content we’re expected to enjoy then Match of the Day can get to fu…