Josh in the Box

Following their third-round FA Cup exit to Wolves on Monday, Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp admitted his relief that his side face no more distractions in their bid to throw away the Premier League.

The defeat caps off an interesting week for the club, which saw them go down to second-placed Manchester City 2-1 in a game that was littered with controversy over the length of the Etihad pitch grass. An irate Virgil van Dijk, ruler in hand, berated match officials long after the final whistle, insisting that the turf was well above the 30mm regulation standard and a rematch should be scheduled with immediate effect.

The FA have declined to comment.

Liverpool were expected to get back on track against Wolves on Monday, but following another 2-1 defeat, Jurgen Klopp was surprisingly cheerful in his post-match conference.

“It was a real weight off my shoulders, I can tell you.”

Klopp told reporters, shortly after confirming with the Met Office that Tuesday’s fixture should have been postponed due to tremendous winds of almost 9 mph.

“We have a lot of games coming up, thick and fast, and we really do not need our attention drawn elsewhere. We want to give this whole throwing away the title thing a really good go and we owe it to our supporters to do so.
“Over the years, they’ve demanded the highest standards of bottling and it is our duty to continue this honourable Liverpool tradition. From Rafa Benitez’s meltdown in 2008/09 to Steven Gerrard’s unforgettable implosion in 2014, the standard has been set and I am determined not just to meet it but to exceed it.”

Klopp’s plan was backed up by club captain, Jordan Henderson.

“We rotated heavily for the cup game and it worked.
“We wanted Wolves to have the greatest possible chance of succeeding, so we started Alberto at left-back, only put one centre-half on the pitch and I personally slathered Mignolet’s gloves in Country Life butter before the game. What more can we be expected to do?”

And the move towards total capitulation has even been applauded by the bulk of Liverpool’s supporters, who gave their full backing to manager Jurgen Klopp.

Roger Partridge commented.

“Look, we still have Huddersfield, Cardiff, Fulham and Southampton to play. That’s four opportunities to throw away a three-nil lead and drop points. Our fate is in our hands.
“I am absolutely buzzing to traipse six hours to London to see Mo Salah miss a 98th-minute equaliser against Fulham on March 16. Me local bookie has even closed the betting on Dejan Lovren to score the winning own goal.”

It remains to be seen whether Klopp can pull off one of the unlikeliest title surrenders in recent history. With Manchester City losing twice over Christmas, Spurs doing their utmost to Spurs their own campaign and Manchester United three million points off the pace thanks to Mourinho’s self-sabotage campaign, the title could still be heading to Anfield.

“Not if I have anything to do with it.”

A wry Jurgen Klopp quipped before departing the press room whistling to himself.

* Note: this story is entirely fabricated. Obviously.