Soccer Satiredays

There are many things Scotland is great at. We are generally a very tolerant and liberal country, accepting of all and on the whole welcoming and helpful. We have the best humour and don’t take ourselves too seriously. We have free university education.

We’re also great at ballsing up any promising sporting moments we may have.

From throwing away a one-goal lead against the Dutch in a Euro 2004 play-off by losing 6-0 in the second leg to drawing against the Faroe Islands to conceding Gibraltar’s first ever competitive international goal to needing a 97th-minute winner to beat Lichtenstein at home; it’s always a laugh when Scotland play.

And for anyone not Scottish, it doesn’t get much funnier than this international break. Having beaten a pretty shite Albania side in September, we managed to lose to an Israeli side who had only won two games at home in 4 years. Albania even won there!

So, yet again, Scotland are up against it when it comes to attempting to qualify for an international tournament (even through the back door). I thought it about time we look at things more likely to happen than Scotland breaking that 20-year (and counting) tournament drought:

Tottenham Winning The Premier League

The bottle merchants themselves blew their best chance in 2016 by being unable to beat a Chelsea side that barely scraped into the top ten. Since then, their transfer policy has been… erm… missing.

The rate it’s going, Spurs won’t make another signing for 63 years and will refuse to let Harry Kane retire meaning he’ll be still be playing for a winner’s medal in his eighties.

Margaret Thatcher Becoming Patron Saint of Scotland

Rather political this one but bear with me.

The ole Iron Lady was not exactly the most popular person north of Hadrian’s Wall since she only seemed to hate two things while she was Prime Minister: football fans and Scotland. It was perhaps unsurprising then that the happiest day in recent Scottish history was when she went brown bread.

That really is the most Scottish thing ever, celebrating someone’s death. Was a decent party mind and I wouldn’t be surprised to see a petition started for that day to become a national holiday.

Queen Street Station Gets Finished

Localised one for the Glaswegian readers this but how bloody long has that taken?

Nile Ranger Reaches 100 League Appearances

Our old pal Nile has been out on the PR trail recently, trying to get a club after even Southend’s limitless patience broke earlier this year. It’s baffling that a kid of 27 who was highly rated by Newcastle could be so stupid. But, hey ho, we weren’t all born with brain cells.

At this point, he’s almost like an alternate reality version of Mario Balotelli.

England Win An International Tournament

No matter how much you believe football is ‘coming home’, you’ll still be losers. On the bright side, at least you make it to international tournaments.

TalkSport Employ Intelligent Sports Pundits

Scratch that, it won’t happen.

Harry Maguire Becomes King

At the rate it’s going, a petition will start for the monarchy to be overthrown and for Harry Maguire to be the entire Royal Family. He’ll marry Meghan Markle, have slab children and rule like a giant centre-back.

Pele Becomes An Advertising Robot

Widely regarded as the greatest player ever, poor Pele is just a shilling shell of his former self. He’s sold everything from Viagra to Subway to probably his own piss. Give him money and he will shill your s**t.

I’m pretty sure when he dies, they will just fill him full of robotics and program him to do Twitter videos saying: “Buy my viagra because nobody likes a soft ding-dong.”

Diego Maradona Takes Charge of East Fife

Poor Diego will do anything football related for money.

He’s been to the Middle East, Mexico, Belarus and everywhere in between in return for a buck, so don’t be surprised if he turned up in Scotland. The most random team I could think of was East Fife but see also Queen of the South, Arbroath or Dundee United.

Gibraltar Win The World Cup

They have a better chance of qualifying for it than Scotland.