LASESARRE, SPAIN - AUGUST 5: Puma Orbita, the official match ball of LaLiga in detail prior the pre-season friendly match between Athletic Club and Real Sociedad on August 5, 2022 at Lasesarre Stadium in Barakaldo, Spain. Noxthirdxpartyxsales PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxJPN 195228971

Football clubs have an obligation to big up any and all signings they make during the transfer window sound important and exciting.

As an example, let’s take Manchester United’s news piece on their recent signing of Harry Maguire:

Manchester United is delighted to confirm the signing of Harry Maguire from Leicester City.

Harry signs on a six-year contract, with the option to extend for a further year.

The 26-year-old England international joined Leicester in 2017 and has made 76 appearances, scoring five goals.”

All fairly standard stuff. Your classic ‘hey guys, we’re f*****g ecstatic with this amazing new player, he’s amazing’ work from noted linguist Communications Department. Hell of a writer that kid.

Still, the club had an obligation to make Maguire’s signing sound like a seminal moment in United history. I mean, United fans wouldn’t be as excited if the press release said:

“Manchester United are not that arsed to confirm the signing of Harry Maguire from Leicester City.

Harry signs on a six-year contract, with the option to extend for a further year… as long as he doesn’t s**t the bed on the pitch.

The 26-year-old England international became a meme in 2018 and we hope he’s alright at football too.”

That’s far less exciting isn’t it?

So, what’s the point of all this rambling? Well, I’ve seen the greatest piece of PR guff from our pal Communications Department in the last day.

It all began with the news that everyone’s favourite loanee Jason Puncheon had finally stopped making a living bouncing around lower mid-table Premier League sides. He was off to Cyprus to join Pafos FC, the only club in the world that reads like you’re mocking people with a lisp.

He’s realistically joined them because it’s warm in Cyprus and, most importantly, he’s run out of English clubs to play for at this point. I’m not sure what has more clubs at this point – Jason Puncheon or Newcastle city centre.

Anyway, Pafos have taken the chance with this transfer to really go wild with the PR:

“From the world’s Top tier EPL directly to PAFOS FC, English football star Jason Puncheon has joined the Club on a 2-year contract.

Jason David Ian Puncheon, 33 years old (26/06/1986) attacking midfielder, (brilliant also on both wings of the attack), is making history with the greatest transfer of Pafos’ football and one of the most important transfers in Cypriot football.

Playing for Crystal Palace in England’s Top division last season he has also scored in all of the top four divisions of English league football, scoring for Barnet in League Two, Milton Keynes Dons and Southampton in League One, Millwall in the Championship and Blackpool, Southampton and Crystal Palace in the Premier League.

Puncheon has over 200 games in English top division, acted as the team capital under 3 different coaches in Crystal Palace and has taken part in dozens of FA CUP, EFL CUP and Championship games.”

The greatest transfer of Pafos’ football? One of the most important transfers in Cypriot football? Brilliant also on both wings of the attack? This is the motherlode of press releases. I can only imagine Department typing in a blur, thinking this is their greatest work. This is their Hamlet; this is their Othello; this is their Johnny Cooper: Championship Manager.

I do hope that Pafos realise that they have signed Jason Puncheon soon and this celebration as of one of the biggest signings in Cypriot football dies soon.

I mean he’s only competing with Terry McDermott, Chris Bart-Williams, Cillian Sheridan, Ian Moores, Tommy Cassidy, John Arne-Riise and Hamilton Ricard for that title…