Heroes and Zeros

Hazard Phils His Boots As Jones Jolts Jose

The season is done, and so is the FA Cup final. As expected, it was utter sh*t. Still, the show must go on. So without further ado, let’s grab a stick to poke at that lump of turd and see what it’s made of.

Heroes

Chelsea: Well, they did win the sodding thing. Would be harsh to classify them as the Yin to Manchester United’s Yang, maintaining the balance of boredom.

Eden Hazard: The best player on the pitch kept his head above the sea of mediocrity surrounding him. His dismantling of Phil Jones’ confidence and self-respect is a feat he will be looking forward to repeating in the World Cup.

Antonio Conte: He may have made life miserable for a lot of Chelsea fans with his inexplicable decisions and dour demeanour this season, but he will inevitably land on his feet when Roman Abramovich’s boot meets his arse in a couple of days.

Michael Oliver and Team: It’s not often we feature referees here, mainly because most of them take to the field with the sole intention of making it all about them *cough*Mike Dean*cough* *hawks*Mark Clattenburg*spits*. But little Mike Oliver did a great job on the day, applying the full force of the rulebook without having to check where the cameras were every other minute.

Antonio Rudiger: Still pulling those dance moves, more than a day after gobbling up United’s entire attack and not letting out a single burp.

Agents: Another £250 million worth of business is on its way from the red half of Manchester.

Zeroes

Manchester United: It would have been a victory for The Dark Side, had Mourinho’s United bored Chelsea into submission. They do have a record of doing so this season.

Jose Mourinho: You could tell he took this one personally. Now he knows how it feels to be at the other end of an awfully craptastic defeat.

Anthony Martial: The new KDB, certain to be sold in the summer. Jose wouldn’t know he’s sitting on a goldmine if his arse started leaving a golden imprint on the toilet seat.

Marcus Rashford: Gone from “Wow!” to “Why?” to “What?” in a single season.

Phil Jones: The many-faced man belted out some of his greatest hits when faced with the prospect of defending against Eden Hazard. A repeat performance is scheduled for the summer in Russia.

Paul Pogba: You can’t put a price on his inability to direct a free header towards goal. He has become a rich man’s Steve Sidwell.

Romelu Lukaku: It was all his fault. At least that’s what Jose thinks. Is it too early to start talking about Mourinho getting rid of him for the second time?