Heroes and Zeros

“You want a new contract? How about I give you this instead, huh?” muttered Jose Mourinho to himself, as he sat in his office with the door closed and the windows bolted shut. In his hands he held a dart and on one of the walls was a dartboard with the face of Anthony Martial stuck on it. As the dart left his hand and struck the Frenchman’s nose, Jose did a little jog in the closed space, hand held aloft, the way he ran the length of the Old Trafford pitch in his heyday with Porto. Those were the good old days. While Jose wipes a single tear that rolled out of his eye, let’s give him some alone time and have a look at the Premier League action from the weekend.

Heroes

Maurizio Sarri’s Chelsea: The former Napoli manager’s Chelsea career has got off to a smoking hot start, with four wins out of four. While Liverpool have neutrals – 90% of whom were associated with Liverpool during their career –  salivating at the mouth, Sarri’s Chelsea have actually scored one more goal than them. All this, despite having the walking liability, David Luiz, ensconced in the centre of defence. Bournemouth huffed and puffed, but couldn’t blow the Bridge down. Chelsea brought on a couple of game-changers and picked the Cherries off. And this time they didn’t even need a ‘Lucky Strike’ to win.

Pedro: Another day, another goal. A constant threat on the pitch, and not on Instagram, Sarri’s puzzling decision to start Willian over him only enhanced Pedro’s reputation. Willian, the Brazilian stunk the place out for an hour or so, before Pedro came on and put the Blues in front. Willian should just pick a spot on the bench, get a power-bank for his phone and find some more photos of Conte to place emojis on. He’s not getting another start anytime soon.

Eden Hazard: The Real Madrid dream was left unfulfilled in the summer, but his dream of lifting his second Europa League trophy lives on.

Watford: Speaking of dreams, Watford are in one right now and loving every minute of it. Third in the table with four wins from four, and no sign of the sword that usually dangles over their manager’s head is quite something.

Liverpool: The swagger turned to a stagger, as Merseyside’s most deluded saw their team stumble across the finish line against a spirited Leicester City. If this carries on, we’ll be forced to take back the title we already handed to you on Matchday 1, chaps.

Manchester City: Just about keeping in touch with the trailblazers in red.

Manchester United: Jose Mourinho’s job is safe for now, but United fans have tasted blood after flying that airplane with a message for Ed Woodward. It won’t be long before another message takes to the skies, this time for Mourinho.

Romelu Lukaku: He is becoming a flat track bully, and Burnley laid out the flattest of tracks for him to stomp all over.

Unai’s Arsenal: This time, Arsenal were at the favourable end of a 3-2 scoreline. Although heads must roll *cough* Cech *cough* for letting it become such a nervy affair.

Kyle Walker: Yeah, it was all well and good, but have you ever had the ball bounce off your ample paunch and into the net, while the goalkeeper clatters into you and injures himself?

Mad Mark Hughes’ Southampton: The temperature in Selhurst rose a fair bit as Mad Mark and his band of bungling ballers pulled into town. Thankfully, a hard-fought victory for Southampton meant no fire alarms went off and emergency services were not needed to put out fires caused by spontaneous human combustion.

Glenn Murray: Geriatric Glenn’s got a few more years to give. The 34 year old scored two goals to earn a draw against Fulham, before grabbing his pills and driving off on his mobility scooter for a late game of Bingo at the Brighton & Hove Home for the Elderly.

Zeros

Alisson Blunderland: Johan Cruyff must have rolled over in his grave watching the Liverpool ‘keeper utterly botch an attempt at replicating the great man’s masterpiece. In his own box. With an opposition player breathing down his neck. An embarrassing goal to ruin his clean sheet should be the least of his concerns. He should get himself checked for Mignoletitis immediately. Karius didn’t and now he’s in Turkey.

Newcastle United: Insert Bart Simpson’s “At least you tried” cake picture.

Crystal Palace: Roy Hodgson took a break from berating Watford’s mascot to seal his lips about Wilfried Zaha’s injury before the game. Zaha did not play, and neither did Palace.

Christian Benteke: Shall I start a crowdfunding campaign to ‘Buy Big Ben a Goal’ or will you do the honours?

West Hahaham United: It could be worse. And it will be. Their next three fixtures are Everton, Chelsea and Manchester United.

Petr Cech: The writing’s on the wall for one of the greatest goalkeepers in the Premier League, who mistook a Cardiff player for one of his own, casually passed the ball to him and upon realising his error, exclaimed, “Oh no! Leno!”

Cardiff: A Championship level team with a Championship level manager, headed back to the Championship in a few months.

Burnley: European football is one helluva drug, but Sean Dyche needs to find a cure for Burnley’s hangover, and fast.

Tottenham Hotspur: Wallop Manchester United one week, lose to Watford the next. I guess that’s what they call the ‘Circle of Life’, eh Elton?

Marcus Rashford: I don’t think that’s what Mourinho meant when he told his players to use their head. Rashford joins Martial on the naughty step, never to be seen again until he is shipped out on loan to Cardiff in January.

Paul Pogba: Or should we say, P… a… u… l… P… oh, he’s missed it!