Are you excited? I’m excited. Are you excited? If you are not excited, are you even alive? The Premier League is back baby and it is yet another action-packed weekend of fixtures that will whet your whistle.
And you know what is missing in your life right this very minute? Some god-awful tips that mean you can lose your money having a bit of a giggle rather than the more traditional way of being a little bit rubbish at betting.
What’s on the fixture list this week?
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Manchester City
Well, this goes straight down as an away win, doesn’t it? What’s that? Wolves managed to draw with them last season? At football? But they were mere Championship paupers back then and City were dreaming of an unbeaten treble or something daft. Plus, Wolves have inflicted PAIN on City in league fixtures in the past (actually, a past so distant that Pep had hair and Nuno was clean-shaven). All in all, this Wolves team do need to start clicking quickly otherwise a month goes by without a win and Manchester City do look better than last season already so what do you think folks? Yeah, even I cannot argue anything other than a City win here.
Wolverhampton Wanderers 1 – 3 Manchester City
AFC Bournemouth vs Everton
Last season, this would have been the “new young English managerial hope” vs “that chewing-gum-chewing dinosaur who refuses to accept it is OK to play out from the back”. This season, Eddie Howe is just about still getting away with his moniker and Everton are managed by Marco Silva who really, really needs to prove he is worth all the fuss. But hey, the early signs are promising for Marco. Richarlison is a true disciple of the Silva way and even Theo Walcott is responding. As for Bournemouth, who knows. I mean who really knows which team will turn up. Watch out for David Brooks though, he is decent.
AFC Bournemouth 2 – 2 Everton
Arsenal vs West Ham United
Granted, it is probably a bit soon to be calling this a relegation-six-pointer but what the hell. This is a relegation-six-pointer. Both teams have new managers and both teams look utterly clueless so far. If it were possible, I’d go as far as saying both teams would lose this if it were possible. The only plus point I can see is that this is the most likely Jack Wilshere has been for years to win the Arsenal man-of-the-match award. Arsenal will win though, naturally.
Arsenal 4 – 1 West Ham United
Huddersfield Town vs Cardiff City
Ah, sorry. I meant this is a relegation-six-pointer. These two will almost certainly fill two of the bottom three Premier League places this season and this match will show us why. Cardiff love knocking it long to their strikers, mainly because they have nobody decent in midfield but, sadly for Colin, their strikers aren’t very good either. Still, it’s nice to have something a little retro in the Premier League, even if it will only be for a few months. As for Huddersfield Town, they run around a lot but we knew that last season. 0-0 for me, Jeff.
Huddersfield Town 0 – 0 Cardiff City
Southampton vs Leicester City
I bet Claude Puel is looking forward to this one. Southampton fans thought it was bad when he took them to Wembley? Now they’ve got Mark Hughes in charge, which is karma playing a part. And I really do not believe that karma is finished with Southampton fans just yet. Sure, Danny Ings looks decent but that is not going to be enough to get them to the level they wrongly believe they should be. Leicester City have started well and I think there is too much in this for ‘Whispering Claude’ to come away with anything other than three points meaning Southampton will probably win!
Southampton 1 – 0 Leicester City
Liverpool vs Brighton & Hove Albion
I’m pretty sure that Liverpool fans will have revelled in the fact that Manchester United died a painful death on the South Coast last weekend. They may well have mentioned it once or twice on social media. Therefore, it would be totally hilarious if the same happened to Liverpool on Saturday but, realistically, you cannot see it happening. Liverpool were not great against Palace on Monday but you don’t always have to be to beat Palace. Might King Kloppo rotate a bit against Chris Hughton’s lot? He’d be mad to, but if he does there could a chink of light for the Seagulls.
Liverpool 3 – 0 Brighton & Hove Albion
Watford vs Crystal Palace
There is a weird world where if Watford win this, they could still be joint top of the table. A table that could, conceivably, have Arsenal bottom if they lose to West Ham. And they say football is dull, the idiots. But we know this Watford, we see this every season. You don’t want to face them before November and that is a tricky thing to make happen given the fixture list. Palace need to bounce back but they were alright against Liverpool until Big Mama gave away that penalty. Don’t ask me to tell you much about Watford as they are a squad I pay little attention to, but I’m going to assume Troy Deeney and Andre Gray will be in the action somewhere.
Watford 1 – 1 Crystal Palace
Fulham vs Burnley
This is actually quite an interesting matchup if you will allow me to be serious for a few moments. Fulham need to win in the Premier League ASAP and Burnley are not sure what day of the week it is given their European escapades. This makes this somewhat impossible to predict which goes against the grain of this column. This could the first Fulham win of the season, but on the other side of the same coin I could see Burnley taking their frustration out – either way, Fulham will look to pass it, Burnley will look to lump it and there will be goals.
Fulham 3 – 2 Burnley
Newcastle United vs Chelsea
It’s probably a good thing Kenedy isn’t eligible for this after his bizarre performance in the last game. But, at least something happens when he is around – even if it is passing it to the opposition every time he gets it, narrowly avoiding red cards, diving and missing penalties in injury time. Chelsea look bright under Maurizio Sarri and things could happen here. The things of which I refer could be anything from a David Luiz masterclass to Jonjo Shelvey schooling Jorginho. Who knows, right?
Newcastle United 1 – 2 Chelsea
Manchester United vs Tottenham Hotspur
Ah, here we go. A match that promises so much. On Sky. Promoted by Sky to within an inch of its life. The head-to-heads. The narratives. Oh, it is all there. It’s going to be crap though, isn’t it? Manchester United will happily accept a draw as they assume Spurs are top six rivals (even though you cannot guarantee United will be top six, really) and everyone will see that Harry Kane’s August goal was an exception rather a change in the tide.
Manchester United 0 – 0 Tottenham Hotspur