Funny Football News Premier League Terrible Tips

My word, is that another seven whole days in the rear view mirror of life? Don’t panic, we are not going to get too deep and meaningful in today’s Terrible Tips, apart from when we discuss whether a world with Benjamin Mendy at left-back is even a world at all.

As ever, if you are a fool and you love being parted from your probably hard-earned cash, get on your favourite bookie app and fill your literal boots on these beauties. Of course, we don’t actually think you are that stupid but hey, you’re reading this, aren’t you?

Or, you were up until then.

Still with us? Great!

Fulham vs Watford

I tell you this for nothing. If Watford are serious about their title push, they will want to get over last week’s shock defeat to United with three points at Craven Cottage. Yet Fulham might have a thing or two to say about that as they are a side that is supposed to be cruising to Premier League safety without even breaking sweat, at the first time of asking.

Javi Gracia was certainly bullish in his press conference – he does know he is managing Watford, right?

“We had a good performance last week regardless of the result,” he said. “We played well – we didn’t get a good result, but I’m pleased with the performance. After four wins in a row, the team is mentally strong. They don’t need to get a good result to know we are doing good performances.”

Yeah, Javi – a few more ‘good performances’ that end in defeat will see you going only one way my friend.

As for Slav, what did he have to say?

He was going all fatherly on teenage sensation Ryan Sessegnon, almost forgetting there was an early kick-off against Watford – a team he probably still has a little beef with – to consider.

“It is a new experience for him, he has come from one level to another: it’s not time to rest, it’s time to continue with this learning process”.

Basically, Ryan, get with it. You’re in the big league now my son.

Fulham 2 – 2 Watford (until you realise it is the 12:30 kick off meaning it will more likely be a painful 0-0).

Burnley vs AFC Bournemouth

A little while ago, this would have been considered a clash between two of the potentially great English managers. Today, one of them is trying to work out how to rouse a Europa League battered team from a relegation battle and the other is sitting pretty at the right end of the table.

Burnley striker Matty Vydra pulled no punches on Burnley’s strikers, momentarily forgetting he is, in fact, one of Burnley’s strikers;

“Right now the top goalscorer is Tarky [defender James Tarkowski], so it’s not the best statistic for the strikers. But we’ve played only five games and now it’s time to bring goals to the club.”

Time to look in that mirror, Vyds.

Eddie Howe is rarely happy, despite living in the English Riviera;

“It has been a good start, there is no denying that. We are happy with what we have done and delivered, but there is more to come from the team. There are better performances in us, and individuals can do even better, so although it has been good to this point, I am still looking for this team to grow.”

And by grow, I think he is pointing at Ryan Fraser.

Burnley 0 – 2 AFC Bournemouth

Crystal Palace vs Newcastle United

Wilf Zaha versus, well, the rest of them really. Is it fair to call Palace a one-man team? Well, they can’t rely on Christian Benteke can they? Newcastle really, really need to win this one which means Rafa might have to continue that attacking gameplan he tried (and failed) against Arsenal.

Rafa is confident that Andre Marriner won’t fall for Zaha’s plea for a little bit of protection from referees. In fact, Rafa is going to try pretending Wilf doesn’t even exist;

 “He’s a good player, no doubt about that, but I think the FA has to deal with these comments and I’m sure that Andre Marriner will not have this in the back of his head.”

Oh, come on Rafa. Really? The chance to tactically mark a player out of the game? You are telling me you are going to resist that urge? I don’t believe it for a second.

Uncle Roy just wants to get on with life, he really doesn’t need the hassle at his time in life;

“He said what he had to say and he has no reason to apologise for that. We want to move on from there. Let’s hope that he will survive the coming matches in the way he wants to. Our chances are better with him in the team.”

Roy knows better than to upset Wilf, with three points on the table.

Crystal Palace 2 – 0 Newcastle United

Cardiff City vs Manchester City

Well, after the shock they had in midweek, I would suspect the Man City players are looking forward to a relatively easy trip to already relegated Cardiff, aren’t they? Pep back in the dugout, Arteta banned from ever doing press conferences again, maybe even the team playing, you know, as a team again? Should be plain sailing for the Champions, shouldn’t it?

Warnock certainly thinks so;

“I don’t think it helps us at all. They made a few changes and looked a lot stronger when they put the regulars on in the second half. When I watch them I think ‘thank goodness we only play them twice!'”

Go on, Neil. We know what you’ll be telling your boys in the dressing room before the game. Rearrange the following words into a well known Real Football Man cliche – up, they, like, don’t, it.

What does Pep think? You can almost believe him, no?

“The players don’t have to apologise. They tried to make a comeback. They put everything in. The ban – I have to accept it. Hopefully next time, I can be there.”

Yeah, right Pep. You were pissed off at them for winning 3-0 last weekend, so I am sure no apologies were needed for losing 2-1 at home.

Cardiff City 0 – 3 Manchester City

Leicester City vs Huddersfield Town

Leicester City could well have a distinct advantage in the fact that their captain, Wes Morgan, is actually banned for this game – and given his performance last weekend, nobody can be that bothered.

Claude Puel is more interested in sticking with a back four even when the fans, yes the fans, seem to think a back three would be better for the side.

“I am not in the habit to change something.”

That’s them told, then.

Huddersfield boss David Wagner seems to think you might win games by creating opportunities, or maybe that is just wishful thinking?

“If you are not scoring goals, are you creating opportunities? If not, you have to work on that. If you are, you have to work on finishing them off and this is exactly what we have done. As long as you create opportunities, this is what we have to try to prove against Leicester.”

Pretty sure you’ve still got to stick it in the back of the net, Wags, pretty sure.

Leicester City 3 – 0 Huddersfield Town

Liverpool vs Southampton

It must be mighty frustrating for Liverpool fans to have to go through the indignity of playing the rest of the season considering they appear to have won both the Premier League and Champions League already, if you watch the social media reaction.

Jurgey, lad, is more interested in batting back the concerns over Mo Salah not scoring as many goals as he did last season;

 “Wow, that’s a crisis”.

Indeed, Jurgen. Indeed.

Mark Hughes sounds positive;

“It is a game that is going to test us? Clearly, because the team we are facing looks on top of their form, with individuals and the collective functioning really well.”

Just phone it in Mark, why don’t you?

Liverpool 2 – 0 Southampton

Manchester United vs Wolves

Well, United are back on track, aren’t they? An easy win in Europe, Pogba scoring twice AND saying something nice about Jose Mourinho that definitely wasn’t scripted by the club’s press officer. There is absolutely no chance of anything going wrong at Old Trafford, this weekend!

Jose was absolutely not in the mood for blaming defenders, who started the season;

“I think the team as a team is resolving the defensive problems better than before. I don’t want to say it was [Eric] Bailly or [Phil] Jones and is now Smalling or Lindelof. The team is more compact, more solid, the spirit, the cooperation, the empathy, the communication all of that improves in the team and good results bring confidence. And I think we are improving as a team, I don’t want to say our improvement has the name of Chris or Victor, the team is playing better and they are part of the team that plays these matches.”

Yep, no finger pointing there!

Nuno was doing his best to be star struck;

“Jose Mourinho was my manager for two years – what we achieved for Porto will be in our memories forever. It’s an honour that he speaks about me, but it’s not about me it’s about Wolves against Manchester United. Tomorrow, what we’ll see is two good teams of football trying to achieve the best result possible.”

Alright Nuno, you don’t need to go that far. We know you want to win.

Manchester United 1 – 1 Wolves

Brighton vs Tottenham Hotspur

Tottenham looked alright against Inter, didn’t they? Apart from trying to pass it out from the back and hang on to a one-goal lead late in the day. Other than that, they were great!

Disappointingly, I couldn’t find anything from either Chris Hughton or the Poch to comment on so you’ll just have to accept my prediction that Spurs could well end up losing yet another game of football.

Brighton 2 – 1 Tottenham Hotspur

West Ham United vs Chelsea

These press conferences really tailed off today. Admittedly, Chelsea had a delay in getting home from Greece in true Brits Abroad style.

Chelsea have had a great start to the season, whereas, West Ham only really got going last weekend. The best thing is, one win and West Ham fans have hope once more. Hope that is going to be cruelly nicked from them at the Athletics Stadium on Sunday.

West Ham United 0 – 3 Chelsea

Arsenal vs Everton

I can only presume that Unai and Marco will be facing the cameras in the morning.

Arsenal beat a team I have never heard of last night whereas Everton lost to West Ham last weekend. So, common sense suggests that this will be an Everton win. Is Richarlison back? That will help.

Arsenal 0 – 1 Everton

Whatever you do, don’t blame me if you lose all your cash!