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Today’s Fantasy Football Failures comes with a health warning. I am in a foul mood. A proper stinker. There is absolutely no way in this world my team should be as cack as it is, but, as Jurgen Klopp would say, “that’s how it is”.

I mean, we have had a shocking week. A terrible week. A week so bad even Everton are pointing and laughing at us and we seem to be making Burnley feel better about themselves.

How can this be?

Let’s find out.

Funny Football News Fantasy Football Failures Matchday Five

Shocking, right?

David de Gea, Manchester United: 3 points

Would it have killed United to have just kept a fecking clean sheet? 2-0 used to be game over with Jose Mourinho as a manager but nowadays it’s far from that. But then what should I expect when he picks Victor Lindelof in the starting XI? I never thought I’d say this, but I am thinking of binning off de Gea.

Kyle Walker, Manchester City: 6 points

Peppy G might have had the lads in for extra training as he was ‘angry’ at the team’s 3-0 win over Fulham but I got what I needed – a clean sheet from Kyle.

Trent Alexander-Arnold, Liverpool: 6 points

Thank you, Jurgey lad. Subbing Trent just before Liverpool conceded was a masterstroke that brought me in four much-needed points. Love it.

Davinson Sanchez, Tottenham Hotspur: 0 points

Yeah, thanks Poch. Sanchez wasn’t selected for the biggest game of Spurs’ season so far. Great idea, that. Well done.

Sadio Mane, Liverpool: 2 points

Just a ‘thanks for coming’ for Sadio this week. Still, he has done grand so far.

Marouane Fellaini, Manchester United: 5 points

The big tree got an assist and showed, yet again, that he should be playing every week for United. Sure, he is ugly as anything but he is very, very effective. Do not drop him, Jose.

Dele Alli, Tottenham Hotspur: 0 points

Injured, innit. Did his calf for England after ten minutes and played the whole match. Nice one, Dele.

Ruben Neves, Wolves: 2 points

‘The heartbeat’ of Wolves’ team isn’t really doing it for me. I think he is for the heave-ho if I can find a suitable replacement.

Jean-Michel Seri, Fulham: 1 point

I cannot really judge JM on an away day to Manchester City now, can I? The answer is, no!

Harry Kane, Tottenham Hotspur: 2 points

The unthinkable is happening. I am probably going to get rid of Kane. And you know what will happen the minute I do that, don’t you? Yup, goals aplenty for sure so you can thank me later Spurs fans.

Sergio Aguero, Manchester City: 14 points

Two assists from the Argentine legend this week. If City had been a bit more on song he’d have probably had some chances to score himself.

Total: 41 points

And the weekly average is 43, so this is pretty pants. I am not really enjoying myself, but what is new? De Gea, Kane and Neves are on my hit-list this week so I will have a look at the upcoming fixtures and see who is getting binned. So much depends on me being able to recruit better and that won’t go well…