LASESARRE, SPAIN - AUGUST 5: Puma Orbita, the official match ball of LaLiga in detail prior the pre-season friendly match between Athletic Club and Real Sociedad on August 5, 2022 at Lasesarre Stadium in Barakaldo, Spain. Noxthirdxpartyxsales PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxJPN 195228971

Ah, football. It never really goes away, does it? Only a few weeks ago English football fans were united in their love for English footballers. And as of tonight, all that goes out of the window as football fans all over the country revert to their standard types and be complete idiots on social media.

It all begins at Old Trafford in what could be Jose’s last ever match as a manager in England – and I will be saying this every single week until he finally cashes in his P45.

Manchester United vs Leicester City

My point above, although potentially sarcastic, is also a valid point. It is clear Jose is properly narked at Ed Woodward and, to an extent, who can blame him? It is unlikely Jose came to United saying, “don’t worry about giving me too much money, I love coaching the young players so I won’t need much” isn’t it? Jose will have demanded stellar signings each and every window and when one of the three is Lee Grant this summer, there’s a problem. Jose is more than capable of hitting that self-destruct button so what he really needs is United to struggle tonight so he can tell the world the squad isn’t good enough, blame the players for being not good enough and then blame the board for leaving him with players that are not good enough. Come on, we know how it goes.

As for Leicester City, well they still have Claude Puel and nobody really knows if the players are happy with this or not. Kasper Schmeichel hasn’t told us, you see? Riyad Mahrez has gone, N’Golo Kante went ages ago, even Danny Drinkwater got a big move. Jamie Vardy is cleverer than that, though. He is making the most of Leicester wanting to keep him by signing a new four-year contract. Leicester could get something here.

Manchester United 0 – 1 Leicester City

Newcastle United vs Tottenham Hotspur

Hey, Rafa. You think you had a tough transfer window? Imagine being the Poch right now. The final whistle as still ringing in people’s ears last season when Mauricio warned Daniel Levy to go big on deals otherwise Poch might be off. We can only assume that part of the Poch’s new big contract that he signed shortly after had a “don’t mention transfers again” clause because the Argentine coach seems perfectly happy to see all his major rivals (other than United) do excellent business in the window whilst they stand still.

As for Rafa, he can’t be that unhappy. He got rid of a troublesome front-man in Mitrovic and spent the money wisely. The fact that I am not even thinking of Newcastle in terms of relegation makes me worry for them though. The result? Who knows. You could tell me any outcome and I wouldn’t be that surprised.

Newcastle United 1 – 1 Tottenham Hotspur

AFC Bournemouth vs Cardiff City

Ah, the romance of football. Little Bournemouth who have somehow managed to hold their own with the big boys versus Cardiff City, throwing all their eggs in the dinosaur basket of Neil Warnock and reaping the rewards.

Little Bournemouth? They just spent £25-fecking-million on an average midfielder for crying out loud. And Cardiff? They are purely neanderthals with a ball at their feet. It is going to be an interesting experiment as I cannot believe that Neil Warnock spends less time on his tractor than he did when he pretty much took Sheffield United and QPR down. Their stay will be a short one but they could well start with a shock win here.

AFC Bournemouth 1 – 2 Cardiff City

Fulham vs Crystal Palace

Fulham have gone bigger and bolder than when they stuck a statue of an alleged paedophile outside their stadium. They say class cannot be bought but Fulham do appear to be the exception to that rule with some of their signings. How quickly can they become a team? Pretty quickly I would expect or their massively scary manager, Slaviša Jokanović, might eat them.

As for Palace, they kept Zaha. That’s all they had to do to stay up again this season in my book.

Fulham 2 – 2 Crystal Palace

Huddersfield Town vs Chelsea

I do worry for Huddersfield this season. They have bought quite well, yes, but I am struggling to think of three worse squads in the league. Sorry, I mean two as I cannot count Cardiff in this.

Chelsea start a new life under a different Italian. I like Sarri and I think Chelsea could be a lot of fun to watch this season. I just hope they let him smoke.

Huddersfield Town 0 – 3 Chelsea

Watford vs Brighton & Hove Albion

Who says every game in the Premier League is a blockbuster? This one stinks the place out already. Draw.

Watford 1 – 1 Brighton & Hove Albion 

Wolves vs Everton

Benfica Wolves had a great window and their Portuguese managed opponents looked like they did OK too. But surely there can only be one winner in their opening match? Probably, I just cannot decide which one it is. I do think Wolves could finish above Everton though…

Wolves 2 – 1 Everton

Liverpool vs West Ham United

You can’t go out and spend all that money and lose your opening game, can you? I bet you don’t even know which cub I am talking about as both teams have gone pretty large in preseason. Liverpool have bought very well and if you closed your eyes and pretended they were not West Ham for five minutes, so have West Ham.

Obviously, though, Liverpool will smash the dreams of West Ham into a million pieces by winning by four here.

Liverpool 5 – 1 West Ham United

Southampton vs Burnley

Decent of Sky to slip this one into Sunday. It won’t be one to watch, that is for sure.

Southampton 0 – 0 Burnley

Arsenal vs Manchester City

I bet Unai Emery was delighted to get this as a first fixture. No easing his way into the English game for him here. Arsenal look like they have a better squad this season but even that won’t be enough to stop Peppy G’s army flattening them effectively.

Arsenal 2 – 4 Manchester City