Ah, Monday Monday. It’s time for that wonderful weekly rundown of how utterly pants I am at Fantasy Football. Six weeks in and I am surpassing all my very low expectations of how badly I would be doing and if I could be bothered to monitor my progress against this time last season I am sure I would learn that I am tracking behind.
Simply, I still don’t know what I am doing.
If I was to sum up this week in one simple move? Transferring out Harry Kane and bringing in Romelu Lukaku. That, right there, shows how brilliant I am at this.
Shall we take a look?
David de Gea, Manchester United: 5 points
David gets an extra two points because he had to make SEVEN saves for United at HOME to Wolves. At home, dammit. Against Wolves! That performance was almost enough to send Sir Alex back to the hospital in disgust.
Trent Alexander-Arnold, Liverpool: 11 points
It could not have gone much better for TAA as he got a clean sheet, an assist and picked up two bonus points as Liverpool successfully navigated the ‘problems’ Southampton came to cause them.
Issa Diop, West Ham United: 6 points
I have to admit this, I did not put Issa in my team. I am guessing Davinson Sanchez didn’t feature for the Spurs meaning Issa was slotted into my back three. And, as luck would have it, West Ham found a way to stop Sarriball in its tracks. Incredible. Trust me, it gets worse.
Kyle Walker, Manchester City: 6 points
But not just yet as Kyle Walker bagged me another clean sheet and got off the pitch in one piece following City’s easy win over Cardiff.
Jean-Michel Seri, Fulham: 4 points
Two bonus points for the Fulham midfielder as his side came back from a goal down to level against Watford.
Marouane Fellaini, Manchester United: 2 points
Just the two points for getting picked this week for the big tree. Still, he is looking fundamental to Jose’s plans right now – so he can stay.
Roberto Pereyra, Watford: 2 points
He is a bit of a player, this guy. Unfortunately, though, Fulham coped with him pretty well – still, better than Neves? Eh, eh? OK, maybe not.
Sadio Mane, Liverpool: 3 points
To be fair, Sadio isn’t in my midfield to pick up a single point for a clean sheet.
Romelu Lukaku, Manchester United: 2 points
As mentioned before, this wasn’t my finest move buying in Romelu. He could well be binned off again once I’ve had a look at next week’s fixtures
Sergio Aguero, Manchester City: 12 points
300 games for Aguero, the captaincy of my terrible team and thank he scored in that hour he got on the pitch.
Joselu, Newcastle United: 1 point
Hey, Rafa. You need to score goals. Pick Joselu!
Total: 54 points
OK, two points above the average is not the worst week I’ve had but I am not pulling up any trees. Though that said, all my arrows are green this time and that really does not happen very often. There’s no shame in being 2,131,165 in the world, is there?