LASESARRE, SPAIN - AUGUST 5: Puma Orbita, the official match ball of LaLiga in detail prior the pre-season friendly match between Athletic Club and Real Sociedad on August 5, 2022 at Lasesarre Stadium in Barakaldo, Spain. Noxthirdxpartyxsales PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxJPN 195228971

Two weeks in and it’s clear to see that the boys behind the scenes at Match of the Day have already given in this season. Where’s the snazzy music video guys?

Gary is joined this week by Big Al and, making his first start after two weeks sitting in the stands, Jermaine Jenas. Gary made a joke about six packs, probably talking about fitness. Al smirked because he’d already polished one off during the early kick-off.

Pointless Football Clubs

We started this week at the Emirates where Arsenal took on West Ham. As Gary put it, “it’s been a pointless start to the season for both” which means I might look into starting a petition to stop West Ham playing football to save themselves the embarrassment.

The big story of this game was the return of Jack Wilshere to Arsenal to anonymously stand in midfield. The actual story was the improved attacking output from Hector Bellerin, a man whose hair is getting into Rapunzel territory. Actually, that’s insulting to Rapunzel as she was a fairly competent defender.

To be fair to West Ham, they had plenty of chances to get something from this game but, this being West Ham, they missed pretty much all of them. It’s not an accomplishment at this point to create chances against this Arsenal side but West Ham are so s**t, they managed to lose this game. Even Danny Welbeck scored. It truly is a dark day for the Hammers.

Shout out to Lukasz Fabianski for the least convincing “it’s going to be fine guys”.

*insert funny sub-heading here*

Molineux next and poor old Wolves are still playing Willy Boly at the back, the giant donkey. They were hosting Manchester City who have a documentary. So did Graham Taylor but you don’t hear people banging on about that.

Seems the old saying ‘it’s better to be lucky than good’ does apply to donkeys as big Willy’s flailing limb got Wolves the opener. We’ll ignore his terrible attempt at a header too. Wolves certainly took the game to City but couldn’t hold on in the end with that pesky Pep and his renowned set pie… what do you mean that’s Pulis?

Second strange footballer interview point this week: Connor Coady speaks on double speed permanently. How? Why? What?

Homes Under The Salah


I’m definitely sort of a Liverpool fan and they’re finally on PotP. Brighton are here too but I’m more interested in Liverpool. The way things are shaping up we’re all set to win the Premier League, FA Cup, Bundesliga, Eredivisie, Strictly Come Dancing, Masterchef, The Great British Bake Off, Popstars: The Rivals, a bottle of pinot grigio, £14 on the lottery, Cash In The Attic and lot 323 at Chippenham Property Auction which is a lovely three-bed Victorian terrace with great commuter links to London. It’s gone all Homes Under The Hammer here. Where’s Dion?

Well, that was underwhelming but hey a win’s a win. I’m now contractually obligated to say something funny and/or mean and I’ve really got nothing. Let’s just move on.

Props to Big Al who went all yer da and said fullbacks get to bomb on more because nobody plays 4-4-2. That’s it. 4-4-2. Always the answer.

Bottle It Up

It was to Bournemouth next where amazingly Eddie Howe’s side have won both of their games and not been as bad as I thought. They were hosting Everton who are still infuriating me by continuing to employ Marco Silva. Please set him free.

Where do I start then? Well, Adam Smith had a busy afternoon doing the classic oversell to get Richarlison sent off before forgetting Theo Walcott is only good at being fast and getting himself sent off. Fanny. Hilariously, Everton had a lead and bottled it. Long may that continue.

“Crap, It’s My Ex”

To St. Mary’s next where this couldn’t get more mid-table unless Papa Bouba Diop was lining up for one side. I literally couldn’t care less about either Southampton or Leicester.

In summation, the only thing of note in this game was when Chris Wise quipped, “it’s always awkward when you meet up with your ex”. Speaking from experience big man?

Anyway, Leicester won.

Breaking Point

Finally, it’s Huddersfield hosting Cardiff.


Just no.

I’m not doing it.