Curb it like Alan

A former Premier League manager approached us here at GSITM and asked that we publish his diaries, so he could show the public what life is like out of the game. His only request was that he remained anonymous. Below is this week’s entry:

Earlier this season, on a different website that is now dead to me, I reviewed each team’s season so far. Well now we find ourselves at the end of the Premier League season, I thought I would finish the job.

I’ve seen a lot of ‘so-called’ experts cast their eye over the twenty sides and spout some ridiculous, false crap. But I’ll do it properly like only a managerial legend can. So please find below, my review of each team’s Premier League season.

Arsenal

Wenger finally left, so I guess I called it wrong when I went to see him earlier this year. By the end, they resembled an old relative of mine that had aggressive jaundice; weak and yellow-bellied. If they were a dog, I would have taken them out the back and clubbed them with a shovel. Luckily, Arsene grabbed that shovel off me and t****** himself over the head. Good luck, old friend.

Bournemouth

One of the many clubs that improved after my consultancy input. Eddie Howe continues his Alan C********* tribute act, in emulating me in almost every way. Ridiculous over achievement year on year? Check. Fluid, entertaining, attacking style of football? Check. Compiling a squad of players that will all be trivia questions in twenty years? Check.

Brighton and Hove Albion

Survived seemingly by running harder than everyone else. I have no other comments to make and I can’t decide whether that is a good or bad thing.

Burnley

Burnley did, in fact, match the finish of my legendary 2003/04 Charlton side. A lot of people have remarked that Sean Dyche has compiled a ‘Brexit’ side, but it includes Jeff Hendrick (Irish), Ashley Barnes (Austrian) and Steven Defour (Belgian). If anything, it’s a mostly pro-remain squad. I’ve heard James Tarkowski talk at length about the EEA, Customs Union and Schengen Area and let’s just say, he doesn’t like Farage.

Chelsea

They looked pretty terrible when I did my mid-season report and they continued to get worse as the year went on. By the end of the season, the relationship between the players and manager were at an all-time low. They are like that couple no one invites to the barbeque because they always fight. The night ends with one being drunkenly loaded into the taxi, while the other one cries in the downstairs toilet. No one ever speaks about the fight, but we all saw Graham piss himself as he shouted about a disagreement from 1983. All very undignified.

Crystal Palace

Roy didn’t take my advice and lock Benteke in a freezer, but he did manage to keep Palace up. Who knew that a bloke as horrid and spineless as Hodgson could be such a good manager?

Everton

Big Sam came, he saw and he constantly belittled the fanbase. Sam, I’m one of your best friends, but you done fudged up.

Huddersfield Town

Despite me praying to Zeus every night, they managed to stay up. I’m going to move onto Odin, maybe he can help me out.

Leicester City

Had a season so unforgettable they were forced to lose the last game of the season 5-4. They are now trying to keep hold of that attention by possibly firing their manager. Expect to see Jamie Vardy unicycling naked around the National Space Centre in a few days.

Liverpool

Salah is good. The rest of them aren’t.

Manchester City

I’m unsure whether or not they are the best Premier League team of all time. Besides, they accumulated a mere 47 points more than the aforementioned Charlton side of 2004. Are they 47 points better than that side? Is De Bruyne better than Claus Jensen, is Vincent Kompany better than Richard Rufus and is Sergio Aguero better than Shaun Bartlett? Who can say? It’s simply impossible to compare across eras.

Manchester United

Call me Jose. You need to call me before you lose your job man! You’re on a tightrope!

Newcastle United

Rafa deserves all the plaudits for what he’s managed to achieve at Newcastle. I mean, to do that well with a team so damn ugly. Rob Elliot looks like a failed experiment and Chancel Mbemba’s face is far too small for his head. Jonjo Shelvey!! The whole situation is ridiculous!

Southampton

Wait, they were in the Premier League this season?

Stoke City

We all thought West Bromwich Albion were the worst team in the league. Stoke proved us all wrong.

Swansea City

It turns out you need more than metaphors to save a football club.

Tottenham Hotspur

Their squad is much better than last season, but somehow they’ve gotten worse? Personally, I think they’re overhyped to the extreme and in the summer the chickens are going to come home to roost. All those horrid, money-grabbing mercenaries are going to flit their eyelashes at the highest bidder. Harry Kane to Madrid, Christian Eriksen to Barcelona and Danny Rose to Newcastle, trust me, they’re all going to show their true colours.

Watford

What to say about Watford? No seriously, I’ve got nothing. They play in yellow, they’re called the Hornets despite having a deer on their badge. Wait, is it a deer, or is it a moose? Why have they got a moose on their badge? Are there meese in London? So many questions!

West Bromwich Albion

Terrible drunkard Pards has gone and was replaced with one of the best young managers of the modern game. I really hope they stick with Darren Moore and not just because I slipped him my card at a recent charity event. They will be a breath of fresh air in the Championship, which is ironic considering how high up their ground is.

West Ham United

Turns out David ‘Husk’ Moyes seems to have absorbed some of the Lifestream and has kept them up. But anger and discontentment bubble under the surface of that club, ready to erupt. One day it will and the lava will slowly consume the London Stadium and all who inhabit it, pulling them down into the abyss. With the molten rock smoking, the screams of its victims silenced by the heat, I’ll be there. Stood firm on the wreckage… laughing.

There. No one will provide a more accurate picture of each team’s season. Why am I not on BT Sport every week? Jermaine Jenas and Robbie Savage? COME ON!!