Heroes and Zeros

Ciao Antonio, Merci Arsene And Sod Off Sam

Phew. That went well. The longest 38 game Premier League season in living memory finally came to an end with all 20 teams playing on a Super Duper Ultra Sunday. Let’s have a look at how they got on.

Heroes

Manchester City: Broke more records this season than Steven Gerrard on the club jukebox back in the day. It’s quite amazing what a bottomless pit of petrodollars can get you. Will City be the first club to field a manager-less team of £100 million superstars in the near future? I suppose we’ll find out soon enough. But until then…

Pep Guardiola: He came, he saw, he faffed about with Claudio Bravo, then spent another gazillion bucks to fix a problem of his own making, then a couple hundred more just to be sure and while the rest of the league was busy calculating how many Kyle Walkers their players were worth, he conquered too.

Liverpool: They are now under no pressure to win against Real Madrid after sealing qualification for the Champions League through their league position. Jurgen Klopp’s cup final record indicates they needed that insurance.

Mohamed Salah: The Premier League’s top scorer and the winner of multiple Player Of The Year awards. Still, his greatest achievement is the heartburn Jose Mourinho felt every time the Egyptian scored. There’s not enough antacid in the world to soothe the heartburn of Chelsea fans, though.

Newcastle United: Rafa Benitez enjoyed that. Where your A4 sheets and bedsheets now?

Ayoze Perez: You could see the dollar signs in Mike Ashley’s eyes from across the street, as Perez scored a brace to put the final nail in Antonio Conte’s coffin.

Arsene Wenger: Merci Arsene, for depriving those pillocks at Arsenal Fan TV of 90% of their content for next season.

Stoke City: Beating Swansea was Stoke’s way of saying “Welcome to the Championship, suckas!”

West Ham United: David Moyes might end up keeping his job after all. That’s not something we’re used to saying, so it feels a bit weird.

Manchester United: Their supporters are just glad the season is over. Now they’re off to scrub the awfulness of their team from their eyeballs.

Zeroes

Chelsea: Dumped into the Europa League by the man who won the competition with them. It’s supposed to be ironic or something, but I can’t be bothered to look it up.

Antonio Conte: He can’t wait to get out of there. And judging by their performances, neither can most of the players.

Swansea: Cookies, anyone? Wash down the pain of relegation with a glass of milk while you’re at it.

Sam Allardyce: Surely that’s the end of the road for Big Sam. He and the rest of the relics from a bygone era need to be dumped into a box marked “Do Not Recycle”.

Everton: Oh, joy. They get to repeat last summer all over again.

Defending: Leicester City didn’t seem to bother with keeping the ball out of their net at all. Meanwhile, Chelsea’s defenders looked like they’d met in the car park outside the stadium just before the game. It’s a dying art, defending.

West Brom: Lost. Again.