SOCCER - A.Klagenfurt vs Southampton, test match KLAGENFURT,AUSTRIA,18.JUL.22 - SOCCER - ADMIRAL Bundesliga, Premier League, SK Austria Klagenfurt vs FC Southampton, test match. Image shows a ball. PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxAUTxSUIxSWE GEPAxpictures/xFlorianxMori

This music video nonsense wasn’t going to please forever.

This week, we got a wonderful ear demolition from some generic electronic song, hardly a patch on that Don Henley cover of a DJ Sammy classic.

Gary welcomed us with a wonderful stat – the top and bottom sides in the Premier League are only separated by three points. Remarkable. Best League In The World©. He was joined by Wrighty and Phil Neville with Big Al crumbling under the pressure of having to uphold the football law.

The Wrong Kind of Conversion Rate

We’re slowly working our way through all of the Premier League sides this season on PotP and we opened with the first viewing of Arsenal. The poor Gunners have shown that no matter who replaces Arsene Wenger, the real problem is that they’re not that good. That’s a little harsh based on a game against City but even still, the familiar problems remain.

Chelsea, meanwhile, are happy. I think.

Now considering that Maurizio Sarri was lauded for his tactical acumen, I’m waiting for the day he gets plaudits for playing N’Golo Kante in a similar way to Frank Lampard. I only say that because Kante made a forward run; something so foreign UKIP want it deported. Then again, anyone could make a forward run against that Arsenal defence and they’d be in trouble. Hell, even Alvaro Morata scored.

In fairness to Arsenal, they could have won this game 4-3 had Mkhitaryan and Aubameyang hadn’t decided they were fly-halves instead of footballers. They had plenty of chances but it seems they’re destined for sixth place.

Something About August

It was Wembley next where Spurs’ choice to change anything from last season even reached the stadium they played. “New stadium? Pfft forget it,” Daniel Levy was reported as saying. They were hosting Fulham who I was mean about. I was also correct about Fulham so chalk one up to me.

There’s a cheap analogy to be made about looking up the word routine in the dictionary but I’m far better than that. Lucas Moura proved to everyone that he has a head shaped like a 50p. Fortunately, he has feet that work like feet.

Speaking of feat (heh), Harry Kane scored in August which is apparently a big deal. I have no idea why though because I’ve done lots of things for the first time in August before. You don’t see MOTD make a big deal of that, do you?

Finally, to round this game off, when did Kieran Trippier become David Beckham? Oh, and Mitrovic’s goal. State of it.

We’re gonna win the league…

It was time for another new team for the season and it’s the P45 favourites, West Ham. The poor Hammers had come into the season with so much hope and much like Hammers fans who have any hope, they were already on the road to crushing disappointment. Actually, their footballing lives will be a crushing disappointment so it’s nothing new.

They hosted Bournemouth who I tipped to struggle so naturally decided to start a title challenge early in the season. Really, they’d only played Cardiff so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Actually, let’s get ahead of ourselves. Sure, they may have played the two worst teams in the league already but two wins from two is title-winning form at this stage. Admittedly, they were helped by the fact that West Ham cannot defend a lick. That Callum Wilson goal was eerily reminiscent from school days where the kid who got a trial with Accrington wandered through the other kids to score.

At least they scored though. You’ve got to take the little victories with West Ham, a mentality Javier Hernandez had when he made the most of Nathan Ake’s challenge in the area. I’m surprised West Ham fans had hung around until the half-hour mark to see that though given their propensity for leaving early the last couple of years.

Jordan Pickford is bad

It was time for our first trip to Merseyside this season as we went to Goodison. Poor Marco Silva was still trying to recover from seeing his side throw away points at Wolves last week but that’s what you get when Phil Jagielka is in your team. They were hosting Southampton who are sure to be very exciting this season *rolls eyes*.

It seems Theo Walcott was reading last week. The poor little donkey got himself on the scoresheet against his first club before reverting to type and missing an easy chance. Good thing Richarlison had scored a second. Side note: how many different body parts will the Brazilian score with this season?

It was nice to see Danny Ings score too because he’s a nice guy. Also nice to see Everton revert to type by giving him the freedom of their six-yard box from a set-piece. Never change you useless ba…

Finally, Jordan Pickford. He’s still s**t.

As is Jamie Vardy

Leicester’s quest for eighth place continued against Wolves. I mean, what else can I really say about this game?

Well, turns out there were things to mention. Imagine if Wolves could take chances. They hit the woodwork twice and poor Matt Doherty showed exactly why he’s a full-back. Annoyingly for him, he then pinged a bullet header into his own net. It was a f**king belter.

My pal Jamie Vardy got a straight red too for being a massive walloper. I don’t rate him. Never rated him.

Kenedy: Miracle Worker

Yay, let’s bully Neil Warnock again.

His useless team hosted Newcastle who opted not to play Home Bargains up front. They did have Kenedy though who set about playing himself into Donkey Watch this week. The only decent kick he had all day was the one on Camarasa that should have had him off.

Also, considering the fact that the big takeaway from this game was how bad the Brazilian was when there were plenty of incidents tells its own story. When you’re the s**t part of a Cardiff game, you’ve definitely taken a wrong turn in life.