SOCCER - A.Klagenfurt vs Southampton, test match KLAGENFURT,AUSTRIA,18.JUL.22 - SOCCER - ADMIRAL Bundesliga, Premier League, SK Austria Klagenfurt vs FC Southampton, test match. Image shows a ball. PUBLICATIONxNOTxINxAUTxSUIxSWE GEPAxpictures/xFlorianxMori

A few things before we get started and delve into this episode of ‘A Twitter Story.’ First is I’ve completely forgotten how everything works after writing like 30 articles for South Korea at the World Cup, so this may or may not be a rusty return. Second, I’ve been suspended off Twitter for a month, so I’m going off memory to find topics. Doesn’t look too promising so far, does it? Well don’t worry, things will get better.

When thinking of topics for this return, I was taking a break while preparing for a Maths exam, so it makes sense that the first thing to come to mind had something to do with the subject. So this week, the zeroes of a quadratic polynomial (alpha and beta) are going to be what I’ll rant about.

If you’re someone who hates Maths like me, this sounds fun. If you don’t, it probably still is fun. Anyway, we’re not actually going to talk about the mathematical Alpha and Beta, instead, we’re talking about their Twitter style.

Alpha Male

Now footballers, or even humans, or even living beings, or even everything that exists, is divided into two sections. Alpha and Beta. Alpha is used to denote something that is very cool, or macho, or just something superior. For example, Sergio Ramos is an alpha male.

To be fair, Ramos is quite an alpha male, and I don’t mind him being branded as an alpha male. However, on Twitter, literally, everyone is an alpha male. Glenn Murray, Kim Young-Gwon, Paul Konchesky, hell, I’ve seen a tweet that calls Graziano Pelle (does he still exist?) alpha. It was from 2014 though, so like a dead and old meme, it is excusable.

Okay so in the world of Twitter, where words are meaningless and randomness is directly proportional to popularity (the maths has really got to me), branding people or things as alpha isn’t that bad. However, what gets to me is that there are no real criteria for being considered alpha. Score an inconsequential goal, boom, you’re alpha. Make a tackle, alpha! Run, alpha! Say something in an interview, alpha! It’s like Oprah, YOU GET AN ALPHA, YOU GET AN ALPHA, EVERYBODY GETS AN ALPHA*. 

*alpha is not to be confused with the Italian car manufacturer Alfa Romeo, although to be fair the unintentional wordplay in there is quite alpha. 

I’ve seen Jurgen Klopp being called alpha for saying ‘Boom!’, Jamie Vardy being called an alpha male for his coke and gum routine (or whatever it was, can’t be arsed googling), Tyrone Mings being called alpha for stamping Zlatan, and so on and so forth. Where does it stop? No one knows. Like the endless, limitless and immeasurable size of the universe, it is simply impossible to judge the criterion of being alpha. To help you out though, here are a few pointers that might make you alpha.

The Dummies’ Guide to Being Alpha:

  • Be good looking or of good stature.
  • Be rich.
  • Score some goals or just do anything of note in a football game.
  • Say something out of the normal in an interview.
  • Do something that a footballer doesn’t usually do, however, this may go both ways. Petr Cech is alpha as he plays the drums, but Dele Alli is considered beta for playing Fortnite.
  • Tweet something funny.

Hopefully, that helps you out. Nothing says that all these things WILL 100% seal your alpha status, but there’s a pretty good chance they might.

Beta Male

Now on to the more beta side of things. If the criteria for being alpha wasn’t confusing enough for you, perhaps the criteria for being beta will be. Starting off with the Twitter definition of a beta male or a beta thing, HanuDictionary defines a beta as an individual or object that is inferior, irrelevant, annoying or an overall prick. For most of the time, the definition is respected. So if someone calls someone like a Danny Drinkwater or something a beta footballer, I don’t mind it.

However, for a significantly large portion of Tweeple, anyone and everyone is qualified to be a beta. I kid you not on another tab I have Twitter open and I’ve searched ‘beta male footballer’, and here’s a list of apparently beta males:

  • Loris Karius (tbf I agree with that)
  • Antoine Griezmann
  • Marco Asensio
  • Charly Musonda (fair enough)
  • Romain Giroud (who?)
  • Henrikh Mkhitaryan
  • Luka Modric (lol)

That only scratches the surface. Another interesting tweet by @UrAvgIndian (Jesus this country is really ruined) says Aubameyang is a “Feminist footballer. Afraid to come to PL. Beta male.” That tweet was posted on the 15th of August 2017, so I’ll let him off, but still, lmao.

I’ve also regularly seen people call Ronaldo, Messi, Pele etc. beta males for no legitimate reason. Mostly it’s just because the tweeter doesn’t like them.

Anyhow, that wraps up my section this week and hopefully you’ve enjoyed it. The moral of this story is that Alpha and Beta look good on the Greek alphabet and while you’re doing Maths, please don’t bring them into football x.

Till next time, you can catch me on Google Plus and Hangouts.