A Twitter Story

Brexit Means Brexit: A Twitter Story

Around a year and a half ago, I joined a wonderful but rather shady corner of Twitter. No, it wasn’t ‘Stan’ Twitter, I mean there’s no chance I would enjoy basing my layout around a celebrity singer or actor and exchange expletives and useless discussions with fellow Stans. I joined football Twitter, where you base a layout around a PLAYER and basically do the aforementioned things. There’s a big difference you see, the untrained innocent reader doesn’t grasp it, but one familiar with the rough streets of Twitter does.

Alright now back to the point, after I joined that part of the website, I quickly got the hang of things and became an expert at calling people a nonce, a wanker, a twat and so on. It was quite good in all honesty, calling randomers things and cursing at footballers anonymously. There was something about it that was, and even still is satisfying.

Now at some point in the last few months, everything changed when a very dangerous epidemic spread across the realms of football Twitter. A platform already deemed a cesspool by the mainstream had become…well…a bigger cesspool. This epidemic came in the form of an account called ‘BarryStantonGB’. Barry here you see was a parody account that was meant to mock the average right-wing middle-aged Britisher.

The account itself was alright, but it’s ‘fans’ and followers were worse than those of Jacob Sartorius, Justin Bieber, and the Sidemen combined. Soon after the account’s inception, a wave of HARD BREXIT accounts popped up trying to imitate it, all worse than the last one. These accounts were unfunny and annoying, but they were nothing compared to the people who absolutely loved the prospect of them.

On FT it is a trend to mimic every single trend that comes along, no matter how shite or absurd it is. The BREXIT MEANS BREXIT craze though was and still is the worst thing to have happened to the platform. Every fucking account, no matter how small or shit had become Barry Stanton and soon we had HARD BREXIT footballers, HARD BREXIT teams, HARD BREXIT managers and even HARD BREXIT bloody referees.

Your timeline was full of hundreds of Tweets talking about how Mark Noble is the most BREXIT footballer in the Premier League and how Tony Pulis, Alan Pardew and the rest of the boring shithouse managers are HARD BREXITEERS.

Soon we had every Barry, Keith, and John (BREXIT names you see) making Hard Brexit XIs (I’ll stop the capitalisation it’s getting annoying) and sharing it with their followers.

NOBODY FUCKING CARES MATE. I don’t care if you’re having a debate on which of either Peter Crouch or Glenn Murray is the most Hard Brexit striker in England. Somehow though this became very popular on generic Twitter too, and those who went against the trend and called it absurd were told, and I quote: “BREXIT MEANS BREXIT. THIS IS ENGLAND, IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, YOU KNOW WHERE THE DOOR IS.” Never knew how it applied to me as I live in India, but fair play @BrexitShelveyNUFC.

It got to the point where Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson had Twitter accounts dedicated to them, in the name of BREXIT. You could go to a completely harmless tweet about somebody wanting Aleksandr Golovin at Arsenal and in the replies, you’d see “NO RUSHENS IN ENGERLAND, WE NEED JONJO FACKIN SHELVEY AT ASNUL.” It was always that much better when the lad behind the account was not British. Here’s a class example of some fine Brexitery:

Essentially if you were not English and/or Tweeted something positive about a non-English ‘Brexit’ player, you’d be hounded with mindless insults. A personal favourite of mine was when someone called Sergio Busquets a hard Brexit defensive midfielder. For those unable to figure out the criteria for being ‘Brexit’, this should help:

What makes a true Brexit footballer:

1. One must be at least thirty-years-old and playing in a mid-table English side, or in the Championship.

2. One must have a shady hairline and an average career.

3. One must have a generic English name.

4. One should have made at LEAST one controversial comment regarding literally anything, race and politics work best.

5. One should have the look of either a bartender, a man going through a midlife crisis or a general tool. All three together work best.

6. One should celebrate rationally, dabbing, Milly rocking or any such childish act shall strip one of his BREXIT title.

That one list should hopefully make you an expert at making your own Brexit XIs and finding Brexit alternatives to ‘Remoaner’ footballers.

This Brexit disease had spread to almost every social media platform, even the innocent Minion meme filled Facebook was falling victim to the referendum. If there is someone reading this who has genuinely not come across any of the things in the article, God is with you.

All I can say is, without ever living in Britain, I have experienced Brexit. If the reality will be anything like the antics on Twitter, God save the British.